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WEEKLY WHINE

2019 GoobNet Futurama Dialogue Championship: Putdowns and Stupidness Conference

There now follows a ranking of the top 32 lines and exchanges of Futurama in the Putdowns and Stupidness Conference. The top eight items in each conference advance to the championship tournament.

Images are provided courtesy Morbotron.


1. 2ACV07: “Put Your Head on My Shoulders”

Philip J Fry: I’m not a one woman man, Leela!Turanga Leela: You’ll be back to zero soon enough.


2. 6ACV09: “A Clockwork Origin”

Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: I don’t want to live on this planet any more!


3. 3ACV17: “A Pharaoh to Remember”

Philip J Fry: You know the worst thing about being a slave?Philip J Fry: They make you work, but they don’t pay you or let you go.Turanga Leela: That’s the only thing about being a slave.


4. 3ACV19: “Roswell That Ends Well”

Philip J Fry: But... but won’t that change history?Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: Oh, a lesson in not changing history from Mr I’m-My-Own-Grandpa!


5. 7ACV24: “Murder on the Planet Express”

Philip J Fry: Okay, to see if you’re the real Bender, I’m gonna ask you something only he would know.Philip J Fry: On your last birthday, what gift did I get you?Bender Bending Rodriguez: I don’t remember.Philip J Fry: Me neither.Bender Bending Rodriguez: Okay, I’ll ask you one. What’s the square root of 2,345.4?Philip J Fry: That’s not something I would know.Bender Bending Rodriguez: Oh, yeah. Your turn.Philip J Fry: Um... what color is my shirt?Bender Bending Rodriguez: If I were the creature, I could just look at your shirt, dum dum!


6. 1ACV01: “Space Pilot 3000”

Philip J Fry: Wait a minute! Is that blimp accurate?


7. 4ACV10: “The Why of Fry”

Philip J Fry: I’m real sorry I missed the mission. I wasn’t there, and you might have needed me.Bender Bending Rodriguez: Nope!Philip J Fry: But if I’d been there, I –Bender Bending Rodriguez: Nope!Philip J Fry: Look –Bender Bending Rodriguez: Nope!Philip J Fry: Bender’s great!Bender Bending Rodriguez: Nope!Bender Bending Rodriguez: Rrrrgh!Philip J Fry: Listen Leela, let me make it up to you by taking you out to dinner tonight.Turanga Leela: Nope!


8. 4ACV05: “A Taste of Freedom”

Philip J Fry: I’m having one of those things! You know! A headache, with pictures!Turanga Leela: An idea?


9. 3ACV09: “The Cyber House Rules”

Philip J Fry: So Leela, do you want to be like us?Philip J Fry: Or do you want to be like Adlai, with no severe mental or social problems whatsoever?Turanga Leela: That’s the dumbest question I ever heard.


10. 3ACV11: “Insane in the Mainframe”

Philip J Fry: Fear not, for I shall assist ye!Hermes Conrad: Robots don’t say ‘ye’!Philip J Fry: Relax, mammal. My robotic software shall meet your calculatory needs.Philip J Fry: What is the meaning of this symbol?Hermes Conrad: That’s a plus sign, you pointy haired loony! Quit thinking you’re a robot!Philip J Fry: I’ll show ye!


11. 6ACV23: “All the Presidents’ Heads”

Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: Fry, you dope! You’ve really screwed the granny this time!


12. 4ACV10: “The Why of Fry”

Lord Nibbler: I hereby place an order for one cheese pizza.Mr Panucci: One pie, nothing good on it. Name?Lord Nibbler: I, period, C, period, Wiener.Mr Panucci: Uh, talk a little louder. It sounds like you got some kind of tiny head on you or something.


13. 4ACV07: “Jurassic Bark”

Turanga Leela: Acting like a moron won’t bring your dog back.Philip J Fry: Then all hope is lost!


14. 4ACV15: “The Farnsworth Parabox”

Prof Hubert J Farnsworth 1: Oh, I’ve been as dumb as Fry!Philip J Fry 1: Am not!


15. 4ACV07: “Jurassic Bark”

Cubert Farnsworth: Why the idiot convention?


16. 1ACV10: “A Flight to Remember”

Zapp Brannigan: We’ll simply set a new course for that empty region over there.Zapp Brannigan: Near that blackish, holeish thing.


17. 2ACV05: “Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?”

Amy Wong: Look what life was like before genetic engineering.Turanga Leela: Those poor 20th century women!


18. 2ACV09: “A Bicyclops Built for Two”

Turanga Leela: Fry, if it’s obvious to you with your learning disability...Turanga Leela: ...then of course it’s obvious to me.


19. 2ACV06: “The Lesser of Two Evils”

Turanga Leela: First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.Philip J Fry: Wait, hold on. I don’t like the sound of that. Let’s just go alphabetically.Turanga Leela: Okay. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.Philip J Fry: Wait, let’s go by rank.Turanga Leela: Okay. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.Philip J Fry: Flexo outranks me?Flexo: That’s ‘Flexo outranks me, sir’!


20. 3ACV15: “I Dated a Robot”

Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: Oh dear! She’s stuck in an infinite loop! And he’s an idiot!


21. 3ACV11: “Insane in the Mainframe”

Philip J Fry: I must be a robot. Why else would human women refuse to date me?Turanga Leela: Oh, lots of reasons.


22. 1ACV12: “When Aliens Attack”

Zapp Brannigan: Good work everyone! The mothership is destroyed![pause]Zapp Brannigan: What the hell is that thing?Kif Kroker: It appears to be the mothership.Zapp Brannigan: Then what did we just blow up?Kif Kroker: The Hubble Telescope.


23. 1ACV10: “A Flight to Remember”

Zapp Brannigan: Your attention please. As captain of this vessel...Zapp Brannigan: ...the terrible burden of naming a limbo contest winner is mine and mine alone.Kif Kroker: Shouldn’t you be steering between the comets?


24. 1ACV12: “When Aliens Attack”

Zapp Brannigan: If we can hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards.Zapp Brannigan: Checkmate.


25. 1ACV04: “Love’s Labours Lost in Space”

Zapp Brannigan: In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces.


26. 1ACV13: “Fry and the Slurm Factory”

Philip J Fry: Wait a second, I’m getting an idea.Philip J Fry: N... no, false alarm.Philip J Fry: No. Yeah. No. Yeah. No.Philip J Fry: Wait. No. Yeah. Yeah. No... no.Philip J Fry: Yes!


27. 1ACV13: “Fry and the Slurm Factory”

Announcer: Odds of winning mathematically insignificant.Philip J Fry: I like those odds!


28. 1ACV03: “I, Roommate”

Cell phone telephone: Wow, that lady’s got a huge ass!Bender Bending Rodriguez: Those could be anyone’s thoughts, fatass!


29. 1ACV07: “My Three Suns”

Turanga Leela: Do you have any idea what the average length of their reigns was?Philip J Fry: Uhhh... eighty thousand years?Turanga Leela: No. One week!Philip J Fry: Damn! I knew you wouldn’t have asked unless it was really high or really low.


30. 1ACV12: “When Aliens Attack”

Philip J Fry: How could they even know about a show from a thousand years ago?Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: Well, Omicron Persei 8 is about a thousand light years away.Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: So the electromagnetic waves would just recently have gotten there.Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: You see...Philip J Fry: Magic. Got it.


31. 1ACV04: “Love’s Labours Lost in Space”

Zapp Brannigan: Cham-paggen?Turanga Leela: I didn’t realize you were such a ‘coin-osseur’.


32. 7ACV20: “Calculon 2.0”

Robot Devil: For Calculon’s immortal soul, guess the number I’m thinking of.Philip J Fry: Umm...Robot Devil: It’s between one and three.Philip J Fry: Four!Robot Devil: Between one and three, not including one or three.Philip J Fry: M!Bender Bending Rodriguez: Is he right?Robot Devil: Yes. The number I was thinking of was the letter M.

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