WEEKLY WHINE

There is Hope if you’re flying Solo

Now that Germany have won the 2007 Women’s World Cup, it is time to look over the tournament and decide what was worthy of celebration, condemnation, and consternation. The GoobNet Football Committee reviewed the contents of the entire tournament and has compiled the following list of things that are or are not worthy of awards. Today’s awards are being brought to you by Federal Express.

Note: If you haven’t received your award yet, complain to Federal Express. For that matter, even if you aren’t expecting an award, complain to Federal Express just on general principles.

GOOBNET FOOTBALL COMMITTEE MEMBERS

• Reginald J Goober, founder and CEO, GoobNet Enterprises Inc [which doesn’t actually exist however]
• Deb Harratsch, GoobNet managing editor
• Debbie Myers, host, Interaction
• Edvard van de Kamp, former dynamite eater

Best Match

Brazil 03–02 Australia, SUN 23 SEP 2007

Reg says: The Matildas stormed back from 2–0 down to equalise with twenty two minutes remaining. Cristiane hit from the top of the area for the winning goal, but the outcome was still in doubt as Australia fought back furiously. Show this match, or the final, to anybody who is still hating on women’s football.

Worst Match

Germany 11–00 Argentina, MON 10 SEP 2007

Reg says: I’m sure FIFA believed that they were doing Vanina Correa a favour when they reversed the rulings on her own goals, but here at GoobNet, we happen to subscribe to the alternative viewpoint of calling a rock a rock. Either way, though, Vanina would not have won the ¡Autogolazo! Award, as you’ll see below.

£500 Question Award for Fixing Something That Ain’t Broke

Greg RYAN, United States

Debbie says: A word of explanation: The British edition of Millionaire recently changed the prize tree to start at the UK£500 question, and we are giving out this award in their honour. Ryan’s move is a classic example of a coach outthinking himself. You’ve got a great keeper who’s conceded only two goals in four matches – and both of those were in rainy conditions. Your other keeper hasn’t been in a match for three months. What do you do, hotshot? What do you do?

Graham Poll ‘Hey, Remember When That Referee Was Good?’ Award

Nicole PETIGNAT, Switzerland

Deb says: See Shannon run. See Shannon fall down after Cristiane crashed into her. No, Nicole, I said see Shannon fall down after Cristiane crashed into her.

Best Hair

Eriko ARAKAWA, Japan

Edvard says: I half expected her to wear number 25, like Hayley Marie Norman. Honourable mention to Australia’s Sarah Walsh and England coach Hope Powell.

Worst Hair

Sue SMITH, England

Reg says: On the bright side, this award comes with a trip to Boston to try out with the Bruins.

Chris Farley Memorial ‘Lah-Dee-Freakin-Dah’ Award

Silke ROTTENBERG, Germany

Deb says: Hey, remember before the tournament began, when everybody was like, “Omigawd! Silke’s injured! Nadine will be rotten and will anger German fans!” Well, after a clean sheet for the entire tournament, including a penalty save in the final, we can now say that Angerer has made Rottenberg worthy of this, the award for Excellence in Irrelevance.

Jeff Agoos ¡Autogolazo! Award

Trine RØNNING, Norway

Edvard says: Agoos’s place in the own goal pantheon is safe, but Rønning offered a good one of her own when she deflected a cross into her own net.

Best Name

Hope SOLO, United States

Deb says: Hey, if Hope gets the captain’s armband, can we call the US team the “Millennium Falcon”?

The crickets say: Chirp... chirp...

Deb says: Oh, so we can’t make a clever Star Wars reference, but you piss your pants when Stewie Griffin wears a Vader costume. Come on.

Worst Name

Thea SLATYER, Australia

Edvard says: I’m still not sure why, but that name just sounds dirty. And I mean Ri Kum Suk dirty, not Bi Yan dirty.

Eddie Murphy Award for the Funniest Creepy Scandal, or the Creepiest Funny Scandal

One Way Mirrorgate, Denmark

Debbie says: This is something I wish we’d had the opportunity to explore on Interaction. These two guys, one with a still camera and one with a video camera, were caught behind a one way mirror in a room where Denmark were about to have their team meeting. No action was taken by FIFA, which can only mean one thing: Jack Warner did it!

Silliest Fans

Neutral supporters, final match

Deb says: The fans were chanting Marta’s name, even when she was nowhere near the play.

Best Uniforms

Nobody

Debbie says: It’s probably about time to shelve this trophy, at least at Women’s World Cups, since most teams wear basically the same thing as their male counterparts, and the major apparel corporations take the same templates and fill them in with the appropriate colours anyway. Either that or the teams have alternate uniforms that represent the height of conceit.