WEEKLY WHINE

The moment arrives

Last week’s successful completion of 2013 has led to a number of questions. For instance: what good was 2013? What did we really get out of it?

If you answered “two new Doctors and an awesome 50th anniversary special”, you were clearly paying attention to what is important.

But, alarmingly, other things happened in the real world this past year. So we must now take a few moments to look back at everything that happened in 2013 and determine how we can prevent them from happening in 2014.

Note: 2013 disappointed us greatly. We demand better from 2014.

GOOBNET 2013 REVIEW COMMITTEE MEMBERS

• Deb Harratsch, GoobNet managing editor
• Edvard van de Kamp, former dynamite eater
• Amber Lynn, junior contributor
• Gaby Gandalucci, GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED]

Capt Chesley A ‘Sully’ Sullenberger Award for the Most Awesome Achievement

Landing of Chang’e 3, Moon

Gaby says: Congratulations to the China National Space Administration for performing a soft landing on the Moon. But naturally, we here at GoobNet believe that this is not enough. We want to see humans perform a soft landing on the Moon within the next ten years. You know you can do it.

Best Event

Confirmation of the Higgs boson, Switzerland

Gaby says: This year marks the 50th anniversary of three papers on symmetry breaking in Physical Review Letters, including one by Peter Higgs. Last year, the existence of the Higgs Boson was finally confirmed based on measurements made at CERN the previous year. This was an important event that showed that our understanding of the Universe is actually sensical and not just random bullshit.

Worst Event

Rana Plaza collapse, Savar, Bangladesh

Deb says: The eight floor Rana Plaza, a commercial building near Dhaka, collapsed on WED 24 APR 2013. More than 1,000 people were killed, and more than 2,000 were injured. Most shocking is that manufacturers in the building ordered their employees to work even after inspectors had found cracks in the structure and ordered its evacuation and closure. Dishonourable mention to the Boston Marathon bombing and the Nairobi mall attack.

Silliest Event

Whose Line Is It Anyway, United States

Amber Lynn says: Yes, Whose Line is finally back! We could have done without all the guests and the giant hashtags, but still, Whose Line is finally back! I’m especially fond of two of the new games they’ve brought in: What’s In the Bag and Sideways Scene.

Robert Green Award for the Greatest Catastrofuckup

American football team, University of Alabama

Deb says: This was Mexico’s award for the taking. but then they forfeited it by going and qualifying for the 2014 Men’s World Cup. So we’ll have to give the award to the helmetballers at the University of Alabama, who were ranked first in the country until this happened.

Bob Barker Award for Game Show Spectacularity

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, United States

Deb says: Hey, remember when Who Wants to Be a Millionaire actually had people play for a million dollars? Well, the show has stormed back with two million dollar questions in the first three months of this season. First, Josina Reaves went for it on a question about Nostradamus, and then Whose Line alum Chip Esten bailed with US$500,000 for his charity. We had to wait four years to see a million dollar question in normal play, and then two came by. Could the first non-tournament million dollar winner in ten years be coming soon?

Steve Harvey ‘I Don’t Care What You Said!’ Award for the Most Shocking Game Show Moment

The Price Is Right, United States

Gaby says: On FRI 27 SEP 2013, the US edition of The Price Is Right celebrated thirty years of Plinko by playing it six times in one show. The result was, well, mehtacular: one player won US$10,500 and two prizes, but none of the others won more than US$2,000, and one of them won nothing at all. As one commenter said, “The Plinko gods were unhappy with this idea.”

Meteor of the Year

Chelyabinsk meteor, Russia

Edvard says: We are pleased to announce our first Meteor of the Year winner since 1987, when we recognised the meteor from Maniac Mansion. The Chelyabinsk meteor entered Earth’s atmosphere over Chelyabinsk, Russia, on FRI 15 FEB 2013. The resulting shock waves caused more than 1,000 injuries, mostly due to broken glass.

Chris Farley Memorial ‘Lah-Dee-Freakin-Dah’ Award for Excellence in Irrelevance

Ted CRUZ, United States

Edvard says: Sen Cruz is in his first year in the Senate, representing the state of Texas. To date he is most famous for a twenty one hour filibuster against the Affordable Care Act and for being a proponent of the October US government shutdown. Because both the filibuster and the shutdown failed to achieve their objectives, and because many in the Republican party now consider Sen Cruz a liability, we honour him for his relentless service to the cause of irrelevance.

Best Film

12 Years a Slave, United States

Amber Lynn says: This Steve McQueen masterpiece, featuring Chiwetel Ejiofor, is not to be missed. The story of Solomon Northup, a free man who was kidnapped in 1841 and forced into slavery, has received precious little attention in the United States until now.

Least Required Film

Jurassic Park 3D, United States

Amber Lynn says: Attention Hollywood: Please stop releasing the same films over and over again. We want something different. That’s why we’re watching television and not going to theatres any more.

Lapel Pin Award for the Most Irrelevant Story

Miley CYRUS, United States

Edvard says: Okay, she’s a grown woman. If she wants to get on stage and do strange things with a foam index finger, she has the right to do that. Just make sure that she cleans it when she’s done with it.