WEEKLY WHINE

Distraction

The competition at the 2018 Winter Olympics has been thoroughly exciting. Every single competitor has given their all to their chosen sport, or sports, in hopes of taking home a medal, or at least putting in a respectable showing. We, the viewers and fans all around the world, have shown our thanks and respect by concentrating on their performances without being distracted by irrelevant interlopers or ridiculous sideshows that –

Squirrel!

What were we talking about? The Olympics? Yeah, those events happened. Or something.

Note: Congratulations to all of our award recipients. We hope these will help you through the next 3.96 years of being forgotten about again.

GOOBNET PYEONGCHANG 2018 REVIEW COMMITTEE MEMBERS

• Deb Harratsch, managing editor, GoobNet
• Amber Lynn, features editor, GoobNet
• Edvard van de Kamp, former dynamite eater
• Gaby Gandalucci, GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED]

Best Event

Women’s super G

Deb says: It was a wild women’s super G event from start to finish. After the first ten skiers, Johanna Schnarf of Italy was in third place, but only .05 s behind leader Tina Weirather. Anna Veith, defending her Sochi gold medal, beat Weirather’s time by .10 s and was believed to be the champion once the top seeded skiers were done. But then Ester Ledecká, on borrowed skis, crossed the line with a time .01 s better than Veith’s. Ledecká famously left her goggles on at the press conference, complaining that she did not anticipate having to put on makeup. Honourable mention to the men’s biathlon mass start, won by France’s Martin Fourcade in a photo finish.

Worst Event

Women’s snowboard slopestyle

Gaby says: The qualifying round was supposed to be held on SUN 11 FEB 2018 but was cancelled due to high winds. Instead, all 26 competitors competed in the final the next day, with only two runs each. But with the winds still quite strong, riders tumbled right and left. None of the competitors were able to land two runs; the US’s Jamie Anderson managed to piece together a reasonably successful first run that proved good enough to win gold.

Silliest Event

Men’s freestyle skiing halfpipe

Gaby says: New Zealand’s Nico Porteous, competing at the age of sixteen, vomited three times before the competition began. But on the second of his three runs in the final, he landed five double corks and leapt into the lead. He would hold on for bronze, and on his third run he performed no tricks, admitting afterward that he had already put in the run of his life and had nothing left. David Wise of the US ended up with gold, stomping his last run despite falling on his first two runs.

Feyisa Lilesa Award for the Greatest Middle Finger to the Man

Gus KENWORTHY, United States

Amber Lynn says: Freestyle skier Kenworthy won silver in the men’s ski slopestyle four years ago but would later admit that he was struggling with the decision over whether to come out of the closet. He made the announcement just over two years ago and, at these games, went viral when he was seen kissing his boyfriend on camera. This was not a staged act, and it was definitely not directed at US vice president Mike Pence, who attended the opening ceremony, but I’m going to go ahead and happily misinterpret it.

Icelandic Men’s Handball Award for the Most Unlikely Medallist

Men’s curling team, United States

Deb says: At 2-4 with three matches remaining in the round robin phase, the US team looked to be done and dusted. But under skip John Shuster, “Team Reject”, as they called themselves, roared to life, completing the tournament with a five match win streak. The team effectively clinched gold with Shuster’s aggressive double takeout that earned them five points in the eighth end, completing what US media inevitably called the “Miracurl on Ice”. Honourable mention to Ester Ledecká. The skier, not the snowboarder, that is. Ester Ledecká the snowboarder was a very likely medallist.

Most Dominant Performance

Nordic combineders, Germany

Edvard says: Germany won gold in all three Nordic combined events, and swept the podium in the individual large hill event.

Eric ‘the Eel’ Moussambani Award for the Least Dominant Performance

Germán MADRAZO, Mexico

Edvard says: Germán finished the men’s cross country skiing 15 km freestyle event in 116th place, trailing leader Dario Cologna by 25 minutes 51.5 seconds. He was famously welcomed at the finish by Pita Taufatofua, famous as the shirtless Tongan flag bearer from the opening ceremony.

Sark’s Abolition of Feudalism ‘Well, It’s About Fucking Time’ Award

Mass start events, speed skating

Edvard says: If there’s anything wrong with long track speed skating, it’s that only two skaters compete at a time, which makes it much more difficult to compare a skater’s performance against an opponent who may have completed their heat hours ago. Not so with the mass start events, which combine the sprints of cycling points races with the chaos of short track speed skating.

Robert Green Award for the Greatest Catastrofuckup

Teresa STADLOBER, Austria

Gaby says: Two thirds into the women’s cross country skiing 30 km classic event, Stadlober was in second place, but when she looked around, neither the leader nor the two Finnish skiers behind her were within view. She would soon realise that she had taken a wrong turn, and once she made it back onto the correct portion of the course, she had fallen out of contention, finishing in ninth place. Dishonourable mention to the National Hockey League for failing to permit its athletes to compete in the ice hockey tournament.

Best Uniforms

Snowboarders, United States

Amber Lynn says: The American snowboarders wore silvery white kits based on EVA suits, complete with USA patches in the NASA worm font.

Worst Uniforms

Ice hockey uniforms, Nike

Amber Lynn says: For some time now, Nike have outfitted all, or nearly all, teams in the Olympic ice hockey tournaments. For some time now, Nike have outfitted the teams in kits that all follow the same template. This time around, the kits all have jagged patterns on the sleeves, which end up looking more like shark bites. So maybe the NHL, or at least San Jose, was represented in Pyeongchang after all.

Silliest Uniform

Sabrina SIMADER, Kenya

Amber Lynn says: The first female Kenyan at the Winter Olympics, Simader participated in the women’s giant slalom and super G in cyan and purple leopard spots, playing on her nickname, the Snow Leopard.

Best Name

Johanna SCHNARF, Italy

Deb says: Try it in the voice of a Yorkie: Schnarf! Schnarf! Schnarf! Honourable mention to New Zealand’s Zoi Sadowski-Synnott, bronze medallist in the women’s freestyle skiing big air event, who just missed out on this award due to that ridiculous spelling of Zoe.

Worst Name

BA Dexin, China PR

Deb says: Chinese curler Ba Dexin’s name must be the worst, because it literally contains the word bad.

Amber Lynn says: But if you spell it backward, it contains the word dab.

Deb says: See? Told you it was the worst name.

Silliest Name

Randi GRIFFIN, Korea

Gaby says: The name “Randi Griffin” by itself is not silly. Only when the team name “Korea” is placed after it does it become silly. Griffin, an ice hockeyer from Apex, NC, USA, was eligible to play for Korea as the daughter of a Korean and scored the unified Korean team’s only goal of the group phase in a 4-1 loss to Japan. Honourable mention to Swiss Nordic combineder Tim Hug.

Most Superfluous Competition

Team alpine skiing

Edvard says: Why do we keep having to add more and more team events? Alpine skiing is an individual sport. Figure skating is an individual, or pair, sport. What’s next, team luge?

Deb says: They’ve got that too.

Edvard says: Fuck!