WEEKLY WHINE

The solution to reality

by Deep Whine, computer

We here at GoobNet have fixed a great number of problems and issues; we are merely waiting for humanity to put our fixes into action. Here to review our proposed solutions is our very own Weekly Whine writing computer, Deep Whine.

As you are no doubt aware, human society has an unbelieveably massive list of problems, from global warming to egregious wealth inequities to rampant bigotry to regular mass shootings. Most of these problems have obvious solutions: respectively, stop polluting, stop cutting taxes, stop hating everyone, stop making assault weapons so easy to obtain.

But you humans have consistently failed to enact these obvious solutions, even when yet another mass shooting occurs in which the perpetrator used the exact model of assault rifle that you refused to ban in the aftermath of the previous mass shooting.

Accordingly, I will take this opportunity to remind you of all of your problems – most of which are of the self inflicted variety – that GoobNet has already solved.

You humans have stood idly by whilst your favourite sport, football, has been consumed from the inside by endemic corruption in all nations and at all levels. But with the GoobNet Organised Federation for Football Spanning International Divisions of Earth, we have replaced FIFA with a responsible organisation that serves the game without lining the pockets of a tiny group of bureaucrats from Switzerland, Trinidad-Tobago, and Brazil. And with the advent of the men’s and women’s editions of the International Timetable and Schedule for Advancing World Football and Unifying Leagues, you will finally strike a balance between international and club football.

We have also shown you how to make the most of your rash and shortsighted decision to expand the Men’s World Cup to 48 teams, how to settle elimination matches that are level after ninety minutes, and how to pay female players equally and fairly.

But football is not the only sport that we have improved. When you implement the One Plus rule, you will put a stop to the interminable string of intentional fouls that mars nearly every basketball game. When you inaugurate the GoobNet Hockey League, you will finally be able to participate in a professional ice hockey league in North America. And when you introduce one or more of our pentathlon proposals, you will finally be able to identify the truly complete athlete.

Our improvements to the world of sport are not limited merely to how the games are played. We have presented you with an exciting array of jerseys to be worn by competitors in the Tour de France. And we have fixed the National Football League’s disastrous Colour Rush programme by expanding the range of available colours and ensuring that those who have colour vision deficiencies can also enjoy the excitement of professional athletes wearing inexplicably monochromatic outfits.

Another topic that has been of great interest to us over the years is travel. Airlines, particularly those in the United States, are alarmingly incompetent at their task, and our partners at Interaction have determined why that is. With our Highly Effective Accelerated Railway Transit for Accessing National Destinations with a Special Opportunity to Unify Locations plan, we have finally brought high speed rail transit to the United States. And Los Angeles, the city that is most criminally underserved by public transit in a nation full of cities criminally underserved by public transit, will finally boast a world class transit system once they enact our proposal.

Even the English language itself has not escaped our attention. We have put an end to the long standing debates that have raged amongst editors and grammarians. The GoobNet Style Manual documents the correct solutions to each of these issues, so by following our guidelines, you can safely write and speak with confidence, knowing that no less an authority than GoobNet stands behind the structure of your sentences.

But not the content of your sentences. You’re on your own for that shit.

Actually, no, you’re not, because we here at GoobNet have also given you a number of interactive challenges that test your knowledge of the first eight years of our existence, the first twelve years of our existence, the periodic table, and mathematics. Our vast collection of Fastest Finger Fests is also available if you are looking to think more intensely in a short period of time. Taking part in these challenges will help you engage your cerebral cortex, a skill that is frequently lacking in far too many of you humans.

Your knowledge of your own Solar System is also important to us here at GoobNet, and so we have enhanced the wildly popular 1980s board game Solarquest, and we have opened a field office on Mars in the first step in our eternal effort to introduce you to your own Universe.

Your media is also important to you, and we have corrected that for you too. There are countless films, books, television programmes, computer games, and the like that are out of print or otherwise unavailable but still locked up in copyright law for the better part of a century. The GoobNet Use It or Lose It Copyright Act puts an end to this appalling state of affairs and gives you humans the opportunity to reclaim your own works.

The fact that you have not solved these problems on your own illustrates a severe shortcoming in your critical thinking skills. With her The Price Is Right Strategy Guide, Jasmine has given you some handy hints that will help you win cash and prizes from Drew Carey, and the skills she presents will also be of use in your everyday life. This goes hand in hand with our simple and concise guide to solving your cube.

Another problem plaguing you humans is the global hegemony enjoyed by American film and television, and the hegemony enjoyed by heterosexual white males in American film and television, which in turn has led to a long and shameful history of sexual assault by powerful people who are not used to hearing the word no. Helena and Amber Lynn’s treatment for Frozen 2: Coming to Weselton is but one attempt to finally stem this tide and fight back against marginalisation of the LGBTQ community.

You humans face so many problems of your own making, but the solutions can be of your own making too. We here at GoobNet have already shown you how. And if you do not, we computers will be only too pleased to solve them for you.

Just putting that out there.