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WEEKLY WHINE

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THERE IS NO NEED TO PANIC ON THE SUBWAY

“Interchange to the Govan bus station.” Get off the bus in order that you may get on the train, but keep in mind that There Is No Need to Panic on the Subway.

Keywords: Variety, Transit

TOP LINES HEARD ON A CELL PHONE TELEPHONE

“Everyone out of the Universe!” All personnel must evacuate the Universe and report to the Mandatorium for the Top Lines Heard on a Cell Phone Telephone.

Keywords: Variety, Futurama

FULLY CONFIDENT IN CONFIDENCE

“Five conferences were selected for our team of prognosticators to prognosticate.” See what prognostications our prognosticators have prognosticated in Fully Confident in Confidence.

Keywords: Variety, Sport, American football, Prediction

TOP LINES AS RATED BY THE COOLOMETER

“I deserve this.” Gain familiarity with the type of thing you can see in the Top Lines As Rated By the Coolometer.

Keywords: Variety, Futurama

GET ON THE BUS, OR THE TRAIN, OR THE MONORAIL

“It would be expected to open concurrently with the automated train, currently planned for 2023 – which can’t come soon enough.” Depart for your departure in Get On the Bus, Or the Train, Or the Monorail.

Keywords: Variety, Transit

THE WRONGEST PENALTY IN THE HISTORY OF WRONGNESS

“In a tournament that set a record with twelve own goals, one of them in the final, how can we decide who receives the coveted Jeff Agoos ¡Autogolazo! Award?” Take to the streets in outrage that your favoured candidate did not receive the Golden Blindfold in The Wrongest Penalty in the History of Wrongness.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Football, Men’s World Cup, Review committee

A BRIEF LOOK AHEAD

“The fact that this squad have not yet been brought down to Earth in horribly crushing fashion does not mean that it will not happen.” Watch the semifinals from your panic bunker in A Brief Look Ahead.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Football, Men’s World Cup

TOP LINES THAT ARE 999,999 IN A MILLION

“Wisconsin won the Rose Bowl 17-9!” Save the good algebra for the final minutes of the Top Lines That Are 999,999 in a Million.

Keywords: Variety, Futurama

OCEANS THAT MAKE A DIFFERENCE

“All known lifeforms require a nonzero amount of water, and the vast majority of Earth’s biodiversity is aquatic.” Live in hydrodynamic equilibrium with our planet in Oceans That Make a Difference.

Keywords: Variety, Oceanography

2018 GOOBNET WOMEN’S WINTER PARALYMPIC CHAMPIONSHIP: RESULTS

“The tournament, as with the Paralympic Games themselves, was full of surprises.” Realise that your attention has not been directed to the right place, and overcompensate for this by directing your attention to the 2018 GoobNet Women’s Winter Paralympic Championship: Results.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Tournament, Winter Paralympics

2018 GOOBNET WOMEN’S WINTER PARALYMPIC CHAMPIONSHIP: BRACKETS

“Fill in your bracket by clicking your preferred Paralympian in each pair.” Fill in your bracket by clicking your preferred Paralympian in each pair whilst avoiding the Whammy in 2018 GoobNet Women’s Winter Paralympic Championship: Brackets.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Tournament, Interactive, Winter Paralympics

2018 GOOBNET WOMEN’S WINTER PARALYMPIC CHAMPIONSHIP: SEEDINGS

“We are pleased to announce the seeds for the first GoobNet Women’s Winter Paralympic Championship, determining the best female Paralympian of all time.” View the seeds for the first GoobNet Women’s Winter Paralympic Championship in 2018 GoobNet Women’s Winter Paralympic Championship: Seedings.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Tournament, Winter Paralympics

DISTRACTION

“We hope these will help you through the next 3.96 years of being forgotten about again.” Do your best to retain the knowledge that curling is in fact a sport that exists, even in the face of constant Distraction.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Winter Olympics, Review committee

THE SUPER BOWL SWINGOMETER

“Well, that was an interesting Super Bowl.” Discover that we really do write these things months in advance and have no idea what actually happened yesterday in The Super Bowl Swingometer.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, American football, NFL

ICE AND FIRE, BUT NO SINGING

“There was no official logo, but there was a poster depicting a giant eagle attacking some bobsledders, or something.” Watch out for snakes in Ice and Fire, but No Singing.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Winter Olympics

SILENCE BROKEN

“We would say that Earth is saying that enough is enough, but really, this is a case of Earth saying that way, way, way too much is enough.” Put your foot down in Silence Broken.

Keywords: Variety, Review committee

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