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WEEKLY WHINE >> 2017

... 2013 | 2014 | 2015 | 2016 | 2017 | 2018

TOP LINES OF AN ETERNITY WITH NERDS

“Is there anything sadder? Only drowning puppies. And there would have to be a lot of them.” Shut up and get to the point of the Top Lines of an Eternity with Nerds.

Keywords: Variety, Futurama

JASMINE’S THE PRICE IS RIGHT STRATEGY GUIDE: LUCKY SEVEN

“Just say five and win the car.” Do not say R or buy a vowel in Jasmine’s The Price Is Right Strategy Guide: Lucky Seven.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, Game shows, Strategy

STUMP EDVARD WITHOUT PAYING TO PLAY

“I would also like to formally announce my endorsement of Wen’s description of my decision as a copout.” Stake your claim to “spineless wishy washy weaselling” in Stump Edvard Without Paying to Play.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Edvard, Stump Edvard, Football, United States

CALLING ALL PUNDITS

“The event featured speeches by the presidents of FIFA and of Russia, who are top contenders for the Corruption Cup.” Apply a sufficient quantity of palm grease in Calling All Pundits.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPLUT, Football, Men’s World Cup

PERFORM THE DRAW THROUGH A STRAW

“This week, the draw for the 2018 Men’s World Cup will decide who will play whom in Russia.” Refuse to trust Gianni Infantino in Perform the Draw Through a Straw.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Football, Men’s World Cup, Interactive

THE BENDER B RODRIGUEZ BLACKJACK AND HOOKERS CUP

“Red totally counts as dark.” Realise that everything is 40% useless in The Bender B Rodriguez Blackjack and Hookers Cup.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Football

A DIRECT INJECTION OF SODIUM CHLORIDE INTO THE OPEN WOUND

“It was a crushing disappointment to finish a mere thirty points behind Germany.” Heap scorn upon Andy Selva in preparation for A Direct Injection of Sodium Chloride Into the Open Wound.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Mailbox, Football, Men’s World Cup, Reverse Mailbox

JASMINE’S THE PRICE IS RIGHT STRATEGY GUIDE: BONKERS

“You are permitted as many guesses as you can possibly attempt within thirty seconds.” Discover that the name is even more apt than it first appears in Jasmine’s The Price Is Right Strategy Guide: Bonkers.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, Game shows, Strategy

AS ABOVE GROUND TRACKS, SO BELOW GROUND TRACKS

“Is actually more of a trapezoid.” Become the kite runner in As Above Ground Tracks, So Below Ground Tracks.

Keywords: Variety, Urban development

COMMENTS REGARDING RECENT RUMOURS

“GoobNet is not yet endorsing anyone for the presidency of the Royal Dutch Football Association.” Tell Reg to make up his damn mind already in Comments Regarding Recent Rumours.

Keywords: Sport, Support, Administrivia, Football, United States, Netherlands

THE GOOBNET SPEED HOWLS WITH INCANDESCENT RAGE

“i wanna vomit, punch klinsmann in the face, cry, and get my coaching license” Tomorrow is another match, but be forewarned that today The GoobNet SPEED Howls with Incandescent Rage.

Keywords: Sport, Propaganda, Support, SPEED, Football, Men’s World Cup, United States

RUSH TO MAKE ADJUSTMENTS

“To date this season, the Texans, Bengals, Rams, 49ers, Bears, Packers, Patriots, and Buccaneers have all helped the NFL enable Nike’s addiction to creating new and unusual kits.” Discover why nobody has ever tried that fabulous new idea in Rush to Make Adjustments.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, American football, NFL, Sport uniforms, Interactive

FULLY PREPARED FOR THE FUTURE

“We are fairly certain that we are going to have to do that.” Don your stray apparel and ensure that you are Fully Prepared for the Future.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Ice hockey, NHL

THE END OF AMBIGUITY

“And if they think we’re going to equip them with helmets or flak jackets, they have another thing coming.” Pay close attention to all announcements from Wen’s office in The End of Ambiguity.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Football, UEFA, Prediction

DROP IN ON SOME PLANETS

“The moons of Jupiter are also fascinating, but nobody is currently looking at them up close.” Realise that you should totally get up off your continent and Drop In on Some Planets.

Keywords: Space, Variety, Solar system

ENHANCED SIMILARITY

“You don’t need to watch any highlights, or look at any photo galleries, or see any studio analysis that explains in detail how and why Mali held Morocco to a goalless draw when just four days earlier they had lost to the very same opponent 6-0.” Blame Prof Ogden Wernstrom for any Enhanced Similarity.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPLUT, Football, Men’s World Cup

HIT ME WITH A BUMPED SUPER BALL

“If you can subtract one number from another number, this pricing game is for you.” Show how edumacated you are as you Hit Me with a Bumped Super Ball.

Keywords: Variety, Game shows

JASMINE’S THE PRICE IS RIGHT STRATEGY GUIDE: CLOCK GAME

“At this point, you can make use of a trick that alarmingly few contestants employ.” Find out just how lucky the Lucky Drew Dollars are in Jasmine’s The Price Is Right Strategy Guide: Clock Game.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, Game shows, Strategy

TOP LINES OF THE WORLD OF TOMORROW

“It varies from person to person.” Forget the lunar lander and remember the Top Lines of the World of Tomorrow.

Keywords: Variety, Futurama

HURL THE SPHERE AND STUMP EDVARD

“What the hell is a balk?” Fail to make a travesty of the game in Hurl the Sphere and Stump Edvard.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Edvard, Stump Edvard, Baseball

MILA KUNIS SACRIFICES GINA RODRIGUEZ

“Well, good for you. That’s a real great opportunity for you. Great career move.” Discover the advantages of owning a modern set of encyclopædias in Mila Kunis Sacrifices Gina Rodriguez.

Keywords: Variety, Whose Line

LET US SOLVE AN UNSOLVED PROBLEM

“I wrote it in the margin of this website.” Discover that there was a reason all along for the incoherent football stuff being on the wrong side in Let Us Solve an Unsolved Problem.

Keywords: Mathematics, Community, Mailbox

ADDITION OF EDITIONS

“All right! Enough! We don’t care any more! Just wear whatever you want! Leave us alone!” Get too much information in Addition of Editions.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Basketball, NBA, Sport uniforms

SCHMILBLICK PATROL: JAÏR KARAM

“Hello.” Meet someone who can really make a difference in Schmilblick Patrol: Jaïr Karam.

Keywords: Sport, Novelty, Schmilblick Patrol, Football

HOW TO DEVELOP HELMETBALL

“Naturally, the press would immediately shorten that to the Trolls.” Help Kristoff find out where Anna’s got to this time in How to Develop Helmetball.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, American football, NFL

THE FAIR WAY TO PLAY FAIR

“It has not actually written this definition; it has merely proposed that such a definition should exist.” Feel relieved that we are not discussing the word pornography in The Fair Way to Play Fair.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Football

WE APOLOGISE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE CAUSED BY OUR PROGRAMMING

“Programming languages must come together on this and use elseif.” Solve all problems simultaneously in We Apologise for Any Inconvenience Caused By Our Programming.

Keywords: Computers, Variety

LOS ANGELES AGAIN ASKS WHY THE OLYMPICS ARE HERE

“What synchronised swimmer would not want to swim synchronously in the centre of a stadium filled with state of the art luxury boxes?” Conclude that synchronised swimming does not mean what we think it means in Los Angeles Again Asks Why the Olympics are Here.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Summer Olympics

LOS ANGELES AGAIN WELCOMES YOU TO THE OLYMPICS

“Assuming your arteries survive that, you will then have the opportunity to witness world class athletic competitions at world class venues, most of which already exist or are going to exist anyway.” Realise that kale is overrated as Los Angeles Again Welcomes You to the Olympics.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Summer Olympics

THE LATEST ON THE EARLIEST

“Here at the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network, we believe that when you use your television to view live satellite programming, the live programming you would like to see broadcast from satellites using your television includes such exciting things as runs, hits, errors, sculls, spikes, and stick checks.” Send in a large number of loud complaints about the lack of pistes in The Latest on the Earliest.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPLUT

UNDER 20 MANAGERS EXIST

“The round of 16 begins tomorrow.” Feel immense relief that you do not have to sit through the round of 65,536 in Under 20 Managers Exist.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Football, Interactive

THE MAGIC EIGHT BALL IS NOW OBSOLETE

“A constant refrain in the health care debates is that the government should not have authority over who lives and who dies.” Discover that all signs point off the edge of the cliff because The Magic Eight Ball is Now Obsolete.

Keywords: Politics, Variety

THE UNIVERSE’S FIRST PERIODIC TABLE RANKINGS

“Scientists, after all, have found that the Sun is a huge atom smashing machine.” Discover whether the Sun is visible in Istanbul or Constantinople in The Universe’s First Periodic Table Rankings.

Keywords: Variety, Chemistry

MAINTAIN APPEARANCES ON ALL SIDES

“We here at GoobNet are naturally thrilled at their use of the arched capital N.” Demand that everything is rendered in small caps in Maintain Appearances on All Sides.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Football, United States, Canada

BREAK THE INTERNET AND STUMP EDVARD

“Should I arrest them and torture them until they confess, or should I just put them in a cell until everyone forgets about them?” Realise that freedom isn’t free in Break the Internet and Stump Edvard.

Keywords: Politics, Community, Edvard, Stump Edvard

INTERACTION: WHY ARE US AIRLINES SO SHITTY?

“On my plane? Oh, hell no!” Have it with these motherfucking television personalities on this motherfucking plane in Interaction: Why Are US Airlines So Shitty?.

Keywords: Novelty, Interaction, Aviation

ALL SWEEPS ALL THE TIME

“You might ask whether this is legal.” You can go about your business and move along to All Sweeps All the Time.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT

EARTH TREATS THE SOLAR SYSTEM WITH DIGNITY

“It successfully entered Venusian orbit at the second go in 2015 using four attitude control thrusters.” If at first you don’t succeed, simply keep in mind that Earth Treats the Solar System with Dignity.

Keywords: Space, Variety, Solar system

ALL INTERFACES ARE AVAILABLE

“Use Secure Shell instead.” Load letter into your printer, not your PC, in All Interfaces Are Available.

Keywords: Computers, Variety

SAY A DIFFERENT PLACE

“This will no doubt be spectacularly awesome and, as a bonus, will probably not destroy Earth.” Declare a Trump War, but first Say a Different Place.

Keywords: Space, Community, Mailbox

2017 GOOBNET FEARS OF DONALD J TRUMP CHAMPIONSHIP: RESULTS

“We suspect that many of the pundits in the dishonest media were confused by the premise of the tournament – we were looking for the thing that Donald J Trump is most afraid of, not what he should be most afraid of.” Discover which of these great fears was the most bigly tremendous in the 2017 GoobNet Fears of Donald J Trump Championship: Results.

Keywords: Variety, Politics, Tournament

2017 GOOBNET FEARS OF DONALD J TRUMP CHAMPIONSHIP: BRACKETS

“The seeding was a fairly straightforward process, during which things that Donald J Trump obviously does not fear were eliminated.” Erase “looking like a total creep” and “acting like a total creep” from your 2017 GoobNet Fears of Donald J Trump Championship: Brackets.

Keywords: Community, Politics, Tournament, Interactive

MEN’S WORLD CUP EXPANSION: WHAT THEN?

“Teams in Pot 1 and Pot 2 who had played one another in the seeding playoffs were allowed to be allocated to the same group.” Enable familiarity to breed contempt in Men’s World Cup Expansion: What Then?.

Keywords: Support, Sport, Football, Men’s World Cup, Prediction

MEN’S WORLD CUP EXPANSION: WHO, SPECIFICALLY?

“Edvard would like it to be known that he in no way endorses this prediction and is not willing to play any part in the jinx that we have just applied to the Netherlands.” See into the future with Oranje tinted lenses in Men’s World Cup Expansion: Who, Specifically?.

Keywords: Support, Sport, Football, Men’s World Cup, Prediction

MEN’S WORLD CUP EXPANSION: WHO?

“This expansion has been approved, though, which means that short of Gianni Infantino being visited by the Ghosts of Men’s World Cups Past, Present, and Yet to Come, the 2026 Men’s World Cup will be a large, ungainly beast of 80 matches in 32 days.” Meet Diego Maradona, Lionel Messi, and Christian Pulisic in Men’s World Cup Expansion: Who?.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, Sport, Football, Men’s World Cup

MEN’S WORLD CUP EXPANSION: WHERE?

“In 2034, it will be the rest of the world’s turn.” Reward excellence in miscellany in Men’s World Cup Expansion: Where?.

Keywords: Support, Sport, Football, Men’s World Cup

MEN’S WORLD CUP EXPANSION: WHY NOT?

“Let us turn our weakness into a strength.” Wear your Schwartz ring on the correct finger in Men’s World Cup Expansion: Why Not?.

Keywords: Support, Sport, Football, Men’s World Cup

MEN’S WORLD CUP EXPANSION: WHY?

“Pay no attention to the teams who are playing for their tournament lives!” Feel the love in Slovenia in Men’s World Cup Expansion: Why?.

Keywords: Community, Sport, Football, Men’s World Cup, Edvard

MEN’S WORLD CUP EXPANSION: HOW?

“A Men’s World Cup made up of sixteen groups of three is not the worst thing they could possibly have done.” Form an exploratory committee to evaluate the impacts of changing to croquet in Men’s World Cup Expansion: How?.

Keywords: Support, Sport, Football, Men’s World Cup

SCHMILBLICK PATROL: SANDRA FRUEAN

“Why not just get a new television?” Upgrade your GoobNet experience in Schmilblick Patrol: Sandra Fruean.

Keywords: Sport, Novelty, Schmilblick Patrol, Football, Men’s World Cup

RUSH TO STUMP EDVARD

“But at least it is going down in a blaze of colour.” Live in fear of the first ever grey v electric chartreuse game in Rush to Stump Edvard.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Edvard, Stump Edvard, American football, NFL, Sport uniforms

RUSH TO VISIBILITY

“We here at GoobNet thought that for an obvious cash grab, it was actually somewhat well executed.” Reach for the currency of your choice – provided it is not the 1,000 rupee note – in Rush to Visibility.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, American football, NFL, Sport uniforms, Interactive

... 2013 | 2014 | 2015 | 2016 | 2017 | 2018

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