WEEKLY WHINE >> 2016
MON 26 DEC 2016
“We are, of course, using the word enjoy sarcastically.” Know that we totally didn’t mean anything we said in No Need to Ask Larry.
MON 19 DEC 2016
“We would like to apologise for this, because most of you are exceptional actors who have turned in wonderful performances in a variety of different films and television programmes.” Be completely honest about your shortcomings and give Advance Notification.
MON 12 DEC 2016
“Nerd Balm: Sport It!” See why we totally need Jim Parsons as the pitchman for Cool Jug Ears, Race Me.
MON 05 DEC 2016
“On Wednesday night, when the first leg of the final was to have been played in Medellín, candlelight vigils were instead held in Chapecoense’s stadium and in the home stadium of their final opponents, Atlético Nacional.” Go forward in all your beliefs, including the one that they are Champions Always.
MON 28 NOV 2016
“Shortly after the pizza arrived, they emerged with a plan.” Quantify the importance of pepperoni in Vote for the Voters.
MON 21 NOV 2016
“I have never seen a birth certificate!” Realise that everything is sad, unfair, and sadly unfair, at least until we Make US Soccer Great Again.
MON 14 NOV 2016
“The question naturally arises: What other things did American voters fuck up on Tuesday?” Live in abject fear of a reduction in the minimum wage as you await the Results of 2016 US Ballot Measures.
MON 07 NOV 2016
“Exists in most of the other things on this list.” Express immense relief that for once we are not talking about the proton and the electron in Create the W.
MON 31 OCT 2016
“So what should you do?” Put on some pants and review your Guide to 2016 US Ballot Measures.
MON 24 OCT 2016
“Can you come up with a better combination than the NFL?” Dare to wear two things that are the same colour in Rush to Judgment.
MON 17 OCT 2016
“And we dare you to find any evidence to the contrary.” Conclude that the correct answer is “all of it” in Let Us Look Down the Ballot.
MON 10 OCT 2016
“Today, we look ahead to the second presidential debate. Which candidate will interrupt the other more? Which candidate will avoid more of the public’s questions? We have all the answers that we just made up and that you could have predicted anyway!” Know all along that there was not really any point in tuning in to Samsan Gymnasium.
MON 03 OCT 2016
“And how can we find out without having to submit an expense report that Reg would never, ever approve?” Ensure that you retain your receipts when Seoul Reverses the Mailbox.
MON 26 SEP 2016
“But you should stop that, because we have totally cracked your code.” Rest assured that we know exactly what you mean by “empty the Pixy Stik” in Analogise Responsibly.
MON 19 SEP 2016
“What do you mean no?” Disagree with everything Mr Goober says in An Appeal On Behalf of the Turkmenistan Tourism Board.
MON 12 SEP 2016
“I just wanted to point out that I didn’t know that.” Avoid letting the facts get in the way of a good joke in Food and Taxes.
MON 05 SEP 2016
“Why do you hate America?” Eagerly anticipate the long awaited return of the logical fallacy in Wherein the GoobNet SPEED Welcomes Jasmine.
MON 29 AUG 2016
“We’re not wearing anything ridiculous like that. Fuck off.” Tell Roger Goodell in which direction he may mark off the fifteen yards in Rush for the Exits.
MON 22 AUG 2016
“And after that, it must figure out what it is going to do with Dilma Rousseff.” Discover a solution better than “change the colour of her diving pool” in I Take My Clothes Off in Your General Direction.
MON 15 AUG 2016
“Having ten boxing events for men, but only three for women, is an outrage.” See who has the will of the warrior in Grabbing for the Rings.
MON 08 AUG 2016
“It’s right there in the name.” Avoid the soylent manufacturing facilities in Stumping Edvard Takes Off.
MON 01 AUG 2016
“Wait, how did that last one get in there?” See what Amber Lynn slipped past the editor this time in All Glory to the Sponsors.
MON 25 JUL 2016
“He’s the best at existing. Ask anyone.” Put an end to the latest game of Ass Pairs Hangman in Mere Herd Victim.
MON 18 JUL 2016
“The American League players scored four runs in their twenty four total outs, besting the two meager runs that the National League players could muster in their full allotment of twenty seven outs.” Help us take our joy measurements in the town of Mudville in K Orientation Is Successful.
MON 11 JUL 2016
“This name conjures up amusing images of a meerkat refusing to stand sentry, shouting to the clan, ‘I’m Doug! Man, I’m outta here!’” Enthusiastically greet Louie and exhort him to dip his balls into a gift presented by the Arbitrary Arachnids.
MON 04 JUL 2016
“There are 150 seats in the Australian House of Representatives.” Discover why there isn’t the swing in Australian Elections Exist.
MON 27 JUN 2016
“That’s not a fly.” Watch out for snakes in The Latest on the Elections That Matter.
MON 20 JUN 2016
“Well, perhaps we should end our programme here, before I am banished from the kingdom of Arendelle.” Discover who is not amused in Interaction: Deriving and Its Influences.
MON 13 JUN 2016
“I heard that you had gone insane. But nobody really seemed to believe that.” Wake up the sheeple in The Exciting Conclusion to Frozen 2: Coming to Weselton.
MON 06 JUN 2016
“I’m sorry, but I can’t hire someone who tracks snow behind him everywhere he goes. It’s a liability. Think of the customers.” Contact your nearest Arendellian Family Life Assurance Company associate in Selected Scenes from Frozen 2: Coming to Weselton.
MON 30 MAY 2016
“As a result, Olaf, eager to dive into the local culture, is treated to a variety of new experiences: living in a cramped apartment; being awoken in the middle of the night by disturbances on the street; attending community meetings at which their neighbours demand a voice in the political process; seeing Elsa in plain, threadbare clothing with her braid cut off; wearing clothing himself; itching.” Rest assured that the phrase electric boogaloo is nowhere to be found in Frozen 2: Coming to Weselton.
MON 23 MAY 2016
“A knowing smile appears on Amber Lynn’s face.” Turn away and slam the door as you ask Should Elsa Be Given a Girlfriend?.
MON 16 MAY 2016
“I’ve never heard of that.” Prepare for further edumacation in Establishment of a Lingo.
MON 09 MAY 2016
“With José Mourinho back at the helm, the Blues were once again unstoppable.” Set sail on the good ship HMS Modesty in The Most Unlikely Champions.
MON 02 MAY 2016
“This may look like an intractable problem, but in fact, it is totally tractable.” Compute your optimal hat trick speed in The Woman Card Is In Fact a Yellow Card.
MON 25 APR 2016
“Its design was inspired by the Eiffel Tower, then a new architectural wonder.” Raise the roof in Stump Edvard on a Tower.
MON 18 APR 2016
“These are the exact same things the male players do, and the female players are working just as hard at it.” Do the right thing in Female Footballers and Funding.
MON 11 APR 2016
“A good name for a division – just not this one.” Don’t divide by zero in Division Championships.
MON 04 APR 2016
“Why not join in today and begin imploding?” Avoid the obvious but wrong answer in the Administrative Notes for APR 2016.
MON 28 MAR 2016
“But anyone who threw out the form book would have been punished.” Don’t forget that the safe phrase is diaper dandy during the exciting conclusion to the 2016 GoobNet Name Championship: Results.
MON 21 MAR 2016
“Now it is your turn.” Find a way to break it to us gently that you are forfeiting the 2016 GoobNet Name Championship: Brackets.
MON 14 MAR 2016
“We have also attempted to help you out by providing the origin of each name and some prominent examples of each.” Discover that Twilight is oddly overrepresented in the 2016 GoobNet Name Championship: Seedings.
MON 07 MAR 2016
“Well, good luck with your chemicals, and keep disposing them properly.” Take care of yourself and your follicles in Schmilblick Patrol: Gianni Infantino.
MON 29 FEB 2016
“Did you expect that to happen?” Realise that you totally knew all along who the woman in white was in A Sequence of Things That Can Be Sequenced.
MON 22 FEB 2016
“There have been thousands of game shows on radio and television over the last century.” Discover that Malcolm is always right in our Fastest Finger Fest: Game Show Edition.
MON 15 FEB 2016
“In the English language, there ain’t no reason to use no double negatives.” Get to clickin’ on that link and openin’ up that there The Answer to Grammar.
MON 08 FEB 2016
“Please stop, because this is our Weekly Whine.” Present your own Daily Diatribe as a rebuttal to 64 Other Names.
MON 01 FEB 2016
“Planets, as usual, have been all over the news recently.” Offer another hollow apology to 134340 Pluto in We’ve Got It All on Earth.
MON 25 JAN 2016
“I didn’t know we were allowed to bring clips.” Tune in to The Brak Show in Interaction: The Eyes of Peter Capaldi.
MON 18 JAN 2016
“More importantly, it was not cool. Not in the slightest.” Finally come across a Support category entry that actually supports you in The Horizontal Rule: An Apology.
MON 11 JAN 2016
“One must surely ask why league cups exist.” Identify things that should be on the FAQ list in League Cup Sponsors Exist.
MON 04 JAN 2016
“Hilariously, several buildings on the island straddle the border.” Understand the unintended consequences of land reclamation in Excessive Remote Access.
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