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I’M AL GORE, AND GOOBNET WILL ALWAYS WIN THE POPULAR VOTE

WEEKLY WHINE >> 2016

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NO NEED TO ASK LARRY

“We are, of course, using the word enjoy sarcastically.” Know that we totally didn’t mean anything we said in No Need to Ask Larry.

Keywords: Variety, Review committee

ADVANCE NOTIFICATION

“We would like to apologise for this, because most of you are exceptional actors who have turned in wonderful performances in a variety of different films and television programmes.” Be completely honest about your shortcomings and give Advance Notification.

Keywords: Variety

COOL JUG EARS, RACE ME

“Nerd Balm: Sport It!” See why we totally need Jim Parsons as the pitchman for Cool Jug Ears, Race Me.

Keywords: Variety, Sport, Football, MLS

CHAMPIONS ALWAYS

“On Wednesday night, when the first leg of the final was to have been played in Medellín, candlelight vigils were instead held in Chapecoense’s stadium and in the home stadium of their final opponents, Atlético Nacional.” Go forward in all your beliefs, including the one that they are Champions Always.

Keywords: Sport, Novelty, Football, Brazil, Obituary

VOTE FOR THE VOTERS

“Shortly after the pizza arrived, they emerged with a plan.” Quantify the importance of pepperoni in Vote for the Voters.

Keywords: Politics, Propaganda, Support, SPEED, United States, MADCAP

MAKE US SOCCER GREAT AGAIN

“I have never seen a birth certificate!” Realise that everything is sad, unfair, and sadly unfair, at least until we Make US Soccer Great Again.

Keywords: Sport, Politics, Variety, Football, United States

RESULTS OF 2016 US BALLOT MEASURES

“The question naturally arises: What other things did American voters fuck up on Tuesday?” Live in abject fear of a reduction in the minimum wage as you await the Results of 2016 US Ballot Measures.

Keywords: Politics, Support, United States

CREATE THE W

“Exists in most of the other things on this list.” Express immense relief that for once we are not talking about the proton and the electron in Create the W.

Keywords: Variety

GUIDE TO 2016 US BALLOT MEASURES

“So what should you do?” Put on some pants and review your Guide to 2016 US Ballot Measures.

Keywords: Politics, Propaganda, Support, United States

RUSH TO JUDGMENT

“Can you come up with a better combination than the NFL?” Dare to wear two things that are the same colour in Rush to Judgment.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, American football, NFL, Sport uniforms, Interactive

LET US LOOK DOWN THE BALLOT

“And we dare you to find any evidence to the contrary.” Conclude that the correct answer is “all of it” in Let Us Look Down the Ballot.

Keywords: Politics, Support, SPLUT

SAMSAN GYMNASIUM

“Today, we look ahead to the second presidential debate. Which candidate will interrupt the other more? Which candidate will avoid more of the public’s questions? We have all the answers that we just made up and that you could have predicted anyway!” Know all along that there was not really any point in tuning in to Samsan Gymnasium.

Keywords: Variety, Transit game

SEOUL REVERSES THE MAILBOX

“And how can we find out without having to submit an expense report that Reg would never, ever approve?” Ensure that you retain your receipts when Seoul Reverses the Mailbox.

Keywords: Community, Mailbox, Transit, Reverse Mailbox

ANALOGISE RESPONSIBLY

“But you should stop that, because we have totally cracked your code.” Rest assured that we know exactly what you mean by “empty the Pixy Stik” in Analogise Responsibly.

Keywords: Politics, Variety

AN APPEAL ON BEHALF OF THE TURKMENISTAN TOURISM BOARD

“What do you mean no?” Disagree with everything Mr Goober says in An Appeal On Behalf of the Turkmenistan Tourism Board.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, Tourism, Turkmenistan

FOOD AND TAXES

“I just wanted to point out that I didn’t know that.” Avoid letting the facts get in the way of a good joke in Food and Taxes.

Keywords: Politics, Community, Mailbox

WHEREIN THE GOOBNET SPEED WELCOMES JASMINE

“Why do you hate America?” Eagerly anticipate the long awaited return of the logical fallacy in Wherein the GoobNet SPEED Welcomes Jasmine.

Keywords: Support, SPEED

RUSH FOR THE EXITS

“We’re not wearing anything ridiculous like that. Fuck off.” Tell Roger Goodell in which direction he may mark off the fifteen yards in Rush for the Exits.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, American football, NFL, Sport uniforms

I TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION

“And after that, it must figure out what it is going to do with Dilma Rousseff.” Discover a solution better than “change the colour of her diving pool” in I Take My Clothes Off in Your General Direction.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Summer Olympics, Review committee

GRABBING FOR THE RINGS

“Having ten boxing events for men, but only three for women, is an outrage.” See who has the will of the warrior in Grabbing for the Rings.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Summer Olympics

STUMPING EDVARD TAKES OFF

“It’s right there in the name.” Avoid the soylent manufacturing facilities in Stumping Edvard Takes Off.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Edvard, Stump Edvard, Aviation, Summer Olympics

ALL GLORY TO THE SPONSORS

“Wait, how did that last one get in there?” See what Amber Lynn slipped past the editor this time in All Glory to the Sponsors.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Summer Olympics

MERE HERD VICTIM

“He’s the best at existing. Ask anyone.” Put an end to the latest game of Ass Pairs Hangman in Mere Herd Victim.

Keywords: Community, Mailbox, Ontology

K ORIENTATION IS SUCCESSFUL

“The American League players scored four runs in their twenty four total outs, besting the two meager runs that the National League players could muster in their full allotment of twenty seven outs.” Help us take our joy measurements in the town of Mudville in K Orientation Is Successful.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Mailbox, Baseball, MLB

ARBITRARY ARACHNIDS

“This name conjures up amusing images of a meerkat refusing to stand sentry, shouting to the clan, ‘I’m Doug! Man, I’m outta here!’” Enthusiastically greet Louie and exhort him to dip his balls into a gift presented by the Arbitrary Arachnids.

Keywords: Computers, Variety

AUSTRALIAN ELECTIONS EXIST

“There are 150 seats in the Australian House of Representatives.” Discover why there isn’t the swing in Australian Elections Exist.

Keywords: Politics, Community, Australia, Interactive

THE LATEST ON THE ELECTIONS THAT MATTER

“That’s not a fly.” Watch out for snakes in The Latest on the Elections That Matter.

Keywords: Politics, Support, SPLUT

INTERACTION: DERIVING AND ITS INFLUENCES

“Well, perhaps we should end our programme here, before I am banished from the kingdom of Arendelle.” Discover who is not amused in Interaction: Deriving and Its Influences.

Keywords: Novelty, Interaction, Film, Frozen 2

THE EXCITING CONCLUSION TO FROZEN 2: COMING TO WESELTON

“I heard that you had gone insane. But nobody really seemed to believe that.” Wake up the sheeple in The Exciting Conclusion to Frozen 2: Coming to Weselton.

Keywords: Novelty, Film, Frozen 2

SELECTED SCENES FROM FROZEN 2: COMING TO WESELTON

“I’m sorry, but I can’t hire someone who tracks snow behind him everywhere he goes. It’s a liability. Think of the customers.” Contact your nearest Arendellian Family Life Assurance Company associate in Selected Scenes from Frozen 2: Coming to Weselton.

Keywords: Novelty, Film, Frozen 2

FROZEN 2: COMING TO WESELTON

“As a result, Olaf, eager to dive into the local culture, is treated to a variety of new experiences: living in a cramped apartment; being awoken in the middle of the night by disturbances on the street; attending community meetings at which their neighbours demand a voice in the political process; seeing Elsa in plain, threadbare clothing with her braid cut off; wearing clothing himself; itching.” Rest assured that the phrase electric boogaloo is nowhere to be found in Frozen 2: Coming to Weselton.

Keywords: Novelty, Film, Frozen 2

SHOULD ELSA BE GIVEN A GIRLFRIEND?

“A knowing smile appears on Amber Lynn’s face.” Turn away and slam the door as you ask Should Elsa Be Given a Girlfriend?.

Keywords: Propaganda, Novelty, Film, Frozen 2

ESTABLISHMENT OF A LINGO

“I’ve never heard of that.” Prepare for further edumacation in Establishment of a Lingo.

Keywords: Variety

THE MOST UNLIKELY CHAMPIONS

“With José Mourinho back at the helm, the Blues were once again unstoppable.” Set sail on the good ship HMS Modesty in The Most Unlikely Champions.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Football, England

THE WOMAN CARD IS IN FACT A YELLOW CARD

“This may look like an intractable problem, but in fact, it is totally tractable.” Compute your optimal hat trick speed in The Woman Card Is In Fact a Yellow Card.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Football, United States, Interactive

STUMP EDVARD ON A TOWER

“Its design was inspired by the Eiffel Tower, then a new architectural wonder.” Raise the roof in Stump Edvard on a Tower.

Keywords: Community, Edvard, Stump Edvard, Architecture

FEMALE FOOTBALLERS AND FUNDING

“These are the exact same things the male players do, and the female players are working just as hard at it.” Do the right thing in Female Footballers and Funding.

Keywords: Propaganda, Sport, Variety, Football

DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIPS

“A good name for a division – just not this one.” Don’t divide by zero in Division Championships.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Ice hockey, NHL

ADMINISTRATIVE NOTES FOR APR 2016

“Why not join in today and begin imploding?” Avoid the obvious but wrong answer in the Administrative Notes for APR 2016.

Keywords: Support, Administrivia

2016 GOOBNET NAME CHAMPIONSHIP: RESULTS

“But anyone who threw out the form book would have been punished.” Don’t forget that the safe phrase is diaper dandy during the exciting conclusion to the 2016 GoobNet Name Championship: Results.

Keywords: Variety, Tournament

2016 GOOBNET NAME CHAMPIONSHIP: BRACKETS

“Now it is your turn.” Find a way to break it to us gently that you are forfeiting the 2016 GoobNet Name Championship: Brackets.

Keywords: Variety, Tournament, Interactive

2016 GOOBNET NAME CHAMPIONSHIP: SEEDINGS

“We have also attempted to help you out by providing the origin of each name and some prominent examples of each.” Discover that Twilight is oddly overrepresented in the 2016 GoobNet Name Championship: Seedings.

Keywords: Variety, Tournament

SCHMILBLICK PATROL: GIANNI INFANTINO

“Well, good luck with your chemicals, and keep disposing them properly.” Take care of yourself and your follicles in Schmilblick Patrol: Gianni Infantino.

Keywords: Sport, Novelty, Schmilblick Patrol, Football

A SEQUENCE OF THINGS THAT CAN BE SEQUENCED

“Did you expect that to happen?” Realise that you totally knew all along who the woman in white was in A Sequence of Things That Can Be Sequenced.

Keywords: Variety, Space, Interactive, Solar system

FASTEST FINGER FEST: GAME SHOW EDITION

“There have been thousands of game shows on radio and television over the last century.” Discover that Malcolm is always right in our Fastest Finger Fest: Game Show Edition.

Keywords: Community, Interactive, Game shows, Fastest Finger Fest

THE ANSWER TO GRAMMAR

“In the English language, there ain’t no reason to use no double negatives.” Get to clickin’ on that link and openin’ up that there The Answer to Grammar.

Keywords: Support, Grammar

64 OTHER NAMES

“Please stop, because this is our Weekly Whine.” Present your own Daily Diatribe as a rebuttal to 64 Other Names.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, American football, NFL

WE’VE GOT IT ALL ON EARTH

“Planets, as usual, have been all over the news recently.” Offer another hollow apology to 134340 Pluto in We’ve Got It All on Earth.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT

INTERACTION: THE EYES OF PETER CAPALDI

“I didn’t know we were allowed to bring clips.” Tune in to The Brak Show in Interaction: The Eyes of Peter Capaldi.

Keywords: Novelty, Interaction, Doctor Who

THE HORIZONTAL RULE: AN APOLOGY

“More importantly, it was not cool. Not in the slightest.” Finally come across a Support category entry that actually supports you in The Horizontal Rule: An Apology.

Keywords: Support, Administrivia

LEAGUE CUP SPONSORS EXIST

“One must surely ask why league cups exist.” Identify things that should be on the FAQ list in League Cup Sponsors Exist.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Football, Interactive

EXCESSIVE REMOTE ACCESS

“Hilariously, several buildings on the island straddle the border.” Understand the unintended consequences of land reclamation in Excessive Remote Access.

Keywords: Variety, United States, Geography

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