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WEEKLY WHINE >> 2013

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GAZE INTO THE FUTURE AND STUMP EDVARD

“Americans need to amend their constitution to codify their right to privacy.” Don’t be shocked that we totally know about that one thing you did with that one guy in Gaze Into the Future and Stump Edvard.

Keywords: Community, Edvard, Stump Edvard

BECAUSE HELMETBALL IS NOT NEARLY SILLY ENOUGH

“Note that it is theoretically possible that there will not be enough bowl games to go around.” Ensure that Nassau has a chance to participate in Because Helmetball Is Not Nearly Silly Enough.

Keywords: Sport, Support, American football

HOW TO RESET THE DOMESTIC CALENDAR

“We also provide eight midweek dates for domestic cup matches.” See when penalty shootouts are permitted to occur in How to Reset the Domestic Calendar.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Football, ITSAWFUL

DROPPING THE BALL

“But what of the results of the draw?” Determine which is the Group of Consequences in Dropping the Ball.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPLUT, Football, Men’s World Cup

DO THE DRAW

“The draw is always an eagerly anticipated event that is probably not rigged. And if it is, it’s only rigged slightly.” Set your desired level of riggitude in Do the Draw.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Football, Men’s World Cup, Interactive

TOP LINES OF THE WHONIVERSE

“I just wanted to say... hello.” Wish really hard for another fifty years in Top Lines of the Whoniverse.

Keywords: Variety, Doctor Who

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON HONOURED AS FIRST SCIENTIST LAUREATE

“We are sure that he will be extraordinarily successful in this role.” Be prepared to follow his every move in Neil deGrasse Tyson Honoured as First Scientist Laureate.

Keywords: Propaganda, Novelty, Science, Scientist Laureate

TOP VILLAINS OF THE WHONIVERSE

“Spoilers!” Observe the clock going tick tock in Top Villains of the Whoniverse.

Keywords: Variety, Doctor Who

FASTEST FINGER FEST: WATERS OF EARTH EDITION

“Whether fresh or salt, shallow or deep, estuarial or alluvial, water is very important on Earth.” Find out whether you can distinguish the Sulu Sea from the Savu Sea in Fastest Finger Fest: Waters of Earth Edition.

Keywords: Community, Interactive, Fastest Finger Fest, Hydrography

ORLANDO CITY’S WELCOME PACKET

“We hope we have not now given them the idea.” Identify nearby objects that may be used as an eye poker in Orlando City’s Welcome Packet.

Keywords: Variety, Sport, Football, MLS

US GOVERNMENT EXISTENCE STILL A THING

“Oh, fuck you, Congress.” Discover that our take on the situation is not really all that unique in US Government Existence Still a Thing.

Keywords: Politics, Support, SPLUT

MAKING SENSE OF THE QUALIFIERS

“Any team that cannot achieve a total of 10 points therefore cannot advance to the playoffs.” Determine whether Nadia Comaneci can still qualify in Making Sense of the Qualifiers.

Keywords: Knowledge, Sport, Football, Men’s World Cup

HEARTANDSOUL REVISION 1 PHASE 4 COMPLETE

“So, now that our high speed rail network is complete, we urge you to take advantage of it by travelling all throughout the United States.” Take advantage of our complete high speed rail network by travelling all throughout the United States in HEARTANDSOUL Revision 1 Phase 4 Complete.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, High speed rail, HEARTANDSOUL

APPEALING TO LACK OF AUTHORITY

“Therefore she won’t like Tim Tams.” Discover the many unpleasant things that could happen to someone who stands between Amber Lynn and the Tim Tams in Appealing to Lack of Authority.

Keywords: Variety, Logic

HOW TO SQUEEZE QATAR INTO THE CALENDAR

“This will also affect the qualifiers, of course.” Find out how to quit the status quo in How to Squeeze Qatar Into the Calendar.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Football, Men’s World Cup, ITSAWFUL

HEARTANDSOUL REVISION 1 PHASE 3 COMPLETE

“You may, however, need your taxpayers’ permission.” See why they’re still pretty darn sad in HEARTANDSOUL Revision 1 Phase 3 Complete.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, High speed rail, HEARTANDSOUL

GEOCENTRIC COVERAGE

“From the crust to the core, you’ll be the first to know about the latest on Earth’s magnetic field, its metallic core – both the liquid and solid layers – and all of the tectonic plates.” Discover who will be our Mohorovičić correspondent in Geocentric Coverage.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT

VOTING FOR SCIENTIST LAUREATE NOW OPEN

“The winner will be honoured as the first ever Scientist Laureate and will leave immediately for the nineteen public appearances required of the winner.” Don’t miss a special guest appearance on Whose Line Is It Anyway in Voting for Scientist Laureate Now Open.

Keywords: Propaganda, Novelty, Science, Scientist Laureate

HEARTANDSOUL REVISION 1 PHASE 2 COMPLETE

“Those of you who are aware of how maps work will have noticed that the same routes are still being added in this second phase.” Realise that the little N does not mean nowhere in HEARTANDSOUL Revision 1 Phase 2 Complete.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, High speed rail, HEARTANDSOUL

HEARTANDSOUL REVISION 1 PHASE 1 COMPLETE

“Elon, we will be pleased to do it for you.” Determine whether we should ever be allowed near the Dragon capsule in HEARTANDSOUL Revision 1 Phase 1 Complete.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, High speed rail, HEARTANDSOUL

STUMP EDVARD ON TEH INTERWEBS

“I think you’ll find that’s true of most things people post online.” Realise that it might be in your interest to avoid calling that one commenter an ignorant ass fragment in Stump Edvard on Teh Interwebs.

Keywords: Computers, Community, Edvard, Stump Edvard, Internet

HOW TO RESET THE INTERNATIONAL CALENDAR

“The possibilities are unlimited.” Join the massive throngs clamouring for the return of the Trans-Tasman Cup in How to Reset the International Calendar.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Football, Men’s World Cup, ITSAWFUL

OUR CHANCE TO MAKE FACES ON MARS

“And Edvard’s counterargument that we don’t have a video podcast really didn’t sway me.” Find out how long it takes to download a zero byte file in Our Chance to Make Faces on Mars.

Keywords: Space, Variety, Mars

WHITE ELEPHANT WATCH

“And, just to give them something else to do, why not some more art exhibitions?” See if the reclaimed land speaks to you in White Elephant Watch.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Football, Men’s World Cup, Brazil

DO NOT LEAVE IT UNATTENDED

“And don’t ask what this predicament is.” Recognise that it is “Copper is twenty percent more expensive than market forces would otherwise suggest” in Do Not Leave It Unattended.

Keywords: Community, SHAGADELIC

MESSI AND ENEMIES

“Those things are awesome.” Try the unicorn veal in Messi and Enemies.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPLUT, Football

AN IMPORTANT UPGRADE

“We felt that this made the rent rules needlessly complex.” Know where to land in An Important Upgrade.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, Space, Board games

INTERACTION: PROTESTS IN BRAZIL

“So vinegar is a controlled substance in Brazil?” Try the honey mustard instead in Interaction: Protests in Brazil.

Keywords: Novelty, Politics, Interaction, Brazil

ASS PAIRS HANGMAN

“Nobody knows.” Solve the mystery of the missing letters [hint: they’re not missing] in Ass Pairs Hangman.

Keywords: Community, Mailbox

GREATEST HITS

“The following Weekly Whines, presented in chronological order, received honourable mentions.” Find out that ‘The Replacement’ totally got robbed in Greatest Hits.

Keywords: Variety

HOT, FRESH RAISIN BREAD

“Pee Wee Herman is on assignment.” Find out why the basement of the Alamo has been closed for sixteen years in Hot, Fresh Raisin Bread.

Keywords: Variety, Whose Line

WELCOME BACK TO THE HIVE

“But for the Hornets, teal always seemed the appropriate choice.” Be pleased that they didn’t select electric mucus in Welcome Back to the Hive.

Keywords: Sport, Knowledge, Basketball, NBA

THE DEFINITIVE BASEBALL MASCOT EVALUATION

“He no longer performs that stunt, probably because it would void the warranty of Safeco Field.” Don’t waste your money on the protection plan in The Definitive Baseball Mascot Evaluation.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Baseball, MLB

THE GOOBNET SPEED EXPLORES HEALTH INSURANCE ON WEST EGG

“Because they’re run by rich fuckers who can’t fucking relate to the rest of us.” Determine why either Sacramento or Seattle is going to be very sad in a few weeks in The GoobNet SPEED Explores Health Insurance on West Egg.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, Literature

NO LONGER TIME TO GO WOOT ABOUT LIQUID HELIUM

“Go visit a site that you do have the right to visit.” Discover why nobody cares how many Harlem Shake videos you watch in No Longer Time to Go Woot About Liquid Helium.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT

MLS: ARRRGH! REVISITED

“However, MLS did not follow our advice.” Suppress your disappointment in the lack of an Edvard Rule in MLS: ARRRGH! Revisited.

Keywords: Sport, Propaganda, Support, ARRRGH, Football, MLS

UNDERSTAND HUMANITY WITH EDVARD

“If you are less than about thirty years old, you will never be able to understand the 1980s.” Realise that Beverly Hills Cop will tell you pretty much everything you need to know in Understand Humanity with Edvard.

Keywords: Community, Edvard, Stump Edvard

THE GOOBNET SOLAR SYSTEM MOON QUIZ

“So, in honour of the Universe, we thought we would give you this opportunity to measure your knowledge of it.” Ask not what your Universe can do for you in The GoobNet Solar System Moon Quiz.

Keywords: Space, Community, Solar system, Interactive

A VARIETY OF LOCATIONS ON MARS

“There is even olivine to be found in parts of Syrtis Major, as well as a variety of interesting dikes.” Make sure Amber Lynn is paying attention in A Variety of Locations on Mars.

Keywords: Space, Variety, Mars

NOMINATING SESSION FOR SCIENCE POPE

“Another panellist, though, snarkily remarked, ‘When was it cool before?’” Discover that we are not in fact talking about rice sorting in Nominating Session for Science Pope.

Keywords: Propaganda, Novelty, Science, Scientist Laureate

BRACKET BEFUDDLEMENT

“Is the round of 64 really the ‘second round’?” Count the seeds in Bracket Befuddlement.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Mailbox, Basketball

2013 GOOBNET GLOBAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE CUP

“Fifty leagues around the world have had at least one continental champion, of which the Argentine, Brazilian, Italian, Spanish, Uruguayan, German, Dutch, English, Portuguese, Paraguayan, and Serbian leagues have had at least one world champion.” Discover why PRK Hekari United totally got robbed in 2013 GoobNet Global Football League Cup.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Tournament, Football

PROBABLE PAPABILI

“Or will we finally see the most awesome name possible: Pope Lando II?” Determine whether Cardinal Billy Dee Williams is available in Probable Papabili.

Keywords: Community, Mailbox, Religion

SEQUESTERIFFIC

“Why are we liquidating our orderlies?” See what you can save, when you can save it, in Sequesteriffic.

Keywords: Politics, Support, United States

FIND OUT IF NOBODY BEATS ‘WIZ’

“So don’t be like Rafa Márquez.” Find someone else to headbutt in Find Out If Nobody Beats ‘Wiz’.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPLUT, Football, MLS

RESPECT AND SUPPORT

“So what about the rice pudding?” Find out what was strange about Pia Sundhage’s guitar in Respect and Support.

Keywords: Variety, Sport, Propaganda, Football

HISTORIC BROADCASTS

“Please try to do better at future Super Bowls.” Get Colin Kaepernick the help he needs in Historic Broadcasts.

Keywords: Community, Mailbox, Advertising

NOT A JOKE, A SALES CAMPAIGN

“Hi, I’m Betty White for GoobNet.” Find out how hot it is in Cleveland in Not a Joke, a Sales Campaign.

Keywords: Variety, Advertising

FACILITIES THAT FACILITATE FOOTBALL

“Still, the artificial surface affects the style of play.” Laugh at how high the ball is bouncing in Facilities That Facilitate Football.

Keywords: Variety, Sport, Football, MLS

LACK OF HONESTY DOES NOT STUMP EDVARD

“I’m selling them for 25¢ each, or best offer. Everything must go!” Find out how to help yourself to some spiffy stuff, no questions asked, in Lack of Honesty Does Not Stump Edvard.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Edvard, Stump Edvard

PARTIAL RECALL OF 2012

“Any damn fool can land on Mars with a huge wad of bounding air bags.” Become familiar with the type of damn fool that made a successful landing in Partial Recall of 2012.

Keywords: Variety, Review committee

ICE HOCKEY DECLINES ITS DAY IN THE SUN

“Although we certainly applaud their willingness to make adventurous changes, we boo the result.” Find out that we are not in fact talking about the change to the payroll tax in Ice Hockey Declines Its Day in the Sun.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Ice hockey, NHL, Sport uniforms

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