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WEEKLY WHINE >> 2018

... 2014 | 2015 | 2016 | 2017 | 2018

TOP LINES THAT ARE NUTSO GOOD

“π/4 radians of pizza, please.” Use mathy talk in the Top Lines That Are Nutso Good.

Keywords: Variety, Futurama

THE GREATEST DRAW THAT DRAWING HAS EVER DRAWN

“Therefore, theoretically, someone could decide not to wait for FIFA and to instead compute the rankings on their own.” Provide detailed instructions to Gianni Infantino regarding the proper usage of his calculator in The Greatest Draw That Drawing Has Ever Drawn.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Football, Women’s World Cup, Interactive

EVALUATION OF 30 KITS REPRESENTING 29 CITIES

“It’s Mardi Gras!” Celebrate spring break responsibly in Evaluation of 30 Kits Representing 29 Cities.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Basketball, NBA

THE FOOTBALL REFEREES’ FORUM AND THE CASE OF THE MISSING COIN

“There have been a hell of a lot of stupid things that non-referees have said about referees.” Stand by for our apology to Mark Geiger in The Football Referees’ Forum and the Case of the Missing Coin.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Mailbox, Football

ITALIAN FOOTBALL CHAMPIONSHIP: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO...

“Shortly thereafter, Torinese ceased operations.” Realise that football is not really worth all the trouble, and that we should all go home and ask Italian Football Championship: Whatever Happened To....

Keywords: Sport, Knowledge, Football, Italy

HOW TO CLEAN UP THE WOMEN’S INTERNATIONAL CALENDAR

“Let us now take this opportunity to introduce a Women’s International Timetable and Schedule for Advancing World Football and Unifying Leagues.” Deploy an angry tweet storm regarding our inability to deconflict the Olympic qualifiers and the CONMEBOL Women’s Nations League as we show you How to Clean Up the Women’s International Calendar.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Football, Women’s World Cup, ITSAWFUL

HOW TO RISE TO THE CHALLENGE OF WOMEN’S FOOTBALL

“Is there not a way to give these teams something to do in the interim?” Become fully aware that the next Mia Hamm is out there – and that there exist female footballers other than Mia Hamm – in How to Rise to the Challenge of Women’s Football.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Football

HOW TO PLAY MORE WOMEN’S FOOTBALL

“We expand the women’s Olympic football tournament to sixteen teams.” Discover that Jamaica are not going anywhere without a fight in How to Play More Women’s Football.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Football

HOW TO QUALIFY FOR THE WOMEN’S WORLD CUP

“The AFC has an alarmingly low Women’s World Cup participation rate: less than half of its membership entered the 2019 qualifiers.” Remind Saudi Arabia early and often that women are footballers too in How to Qualify for the Women’s World Cup.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Football, Women’s World Cup

LAGRANGIAN POINTS OF INTEREST

”Several thousand asteroids in the Greek camp are known so far.” Mount an expensive and risky mission to swap 617 Patroclus with 624 Hektor in Lagrangian Points of Interest.

Keywords: Variety, Space

THERE IS NO NEED TO PANIC ON THE SUBWAY

“Interchange to the Govan bus station.” Get off the bus in order that you may get on the train, but keep in mind that There Is No Need to Panic on the Subway.

Keywords: Variety, Transit

IS IT SOCIALIST OR NOT?

“A number of US laws, such as the Clean Air Act, the Clean Water Act, the Safe Drinking Water Act, and the Toxic Substances Control Act, are administered by the Environmental Protection Agency.” Know where to breathe in Is It Socialist or Not?.

Keywords: Politics, Knowledge

SPANISH PRIMERA DIVISIÓN: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO...

“In fact, Barcelona’s first league match had to be delayed so that they could play the winner of the final.” Wait for anyone... anyone... to win in Spanish Primera División: Whatever Happened To....

Keywords: Sport, Knowledge, Football, Spain

WAS YOUR STACK CHALLENGED?

“The GoobNet Clear the Stack Audio Challenge is coming soon.” Clear your ears and prepare for another round in Was Your Stack Challenged?.

Keywords: Mathematics, Community, Mailbox

THE GOOBNET CLEAR THE STACK CHALLENGE

“The challenge continues until the stack overflows.” Watch for falling hexagons as you take The GoobNet Clear the Stack Challenge.

Keywords: Mathematics, Community, Interactive

TOP LINES HEARD ON A CELL PHONE TELEPHONE

“Everyone out of the Universe!” All personnel must evacuate the Universe and report to the Mandatorium for the Top Lines Heard on a Cell Phone Telephone.

Keywords: Variety, Futurama

COMPUTE THE PROBABILITY OF STUMPING EDVARD

“Have you ever met a human who eats strange things?” Put down your quinoa and kale bar, pick up your calculator, and Compute the Probability of Stumping Edvard.

Keywords: Mathematics, Community, Edvard, Stump Edvard, Probability

FULLY CONFIDENT IN CONFIDENCE

“Five conferences were selected for our team of prognosticators to prognosticate.” See what prognostications our prognosticators have prognosticated in Fully Confident in Confidence.

Keywords: Variety, Sport, American football, Prediction

ETHICAL STANDARDS OPTIONAL

“They wanted to know how groundbreaking this was, and they wanted to know what other fruits would capture the audience’s attention even more.” Realise that you really wanted to know all about passionfruits in Ethical Standards Optional.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT, Mathematics, Space, Science

TOP LINES AS RATED BY THE COOLOMETER

“I deserve this.” Gain familiarity with the type of thing you can see in the Top Lines As Rated By the Coolometer.

Keywords: Variety, Futurama

GET ON THE BUS, OR THE TRAIN, OR THE MONORAIL

“It would be expected to open concurrently with the automated train, currently planned for 2023 – which can’t come soon enough.” Depart for your departure in Get On the Bus, Or the Train, Or the Monorail.

Keywords: Variety, Transit

THE WRONGEST PENALTY IN THE HISTORY OF WRONGNESS

“In a tournament that set a record with twelve own goals, one of them in the final, how can we decide who receives the coveted Jeff Agoos ¡Autogolazo! Award?” Take to the streets in outrage that your favoured candidate did not receive the Golden Blindfold in The Wrongest Penalty in the History of Wrongness.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Football, Men’s World Cup, Review committee

A BRIEF LOOK AHEAD

“The fact that this squad have not yet been brought down to Earth in horribly crushing fashion does not mean that it will not happen.” Watch the semifinals from your panic bunker in A Brief Look Ahead.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Football, Men’s World Cup

INTERACTION: MEN’S WORLD CUP VIDEO SCREENS

“What are we doing here?” Eagerly anticipate the spectacle of Luis Suárez answering the great questions of our time, which for all you know occurred on Interaction: Men’s World Cup Video Screens.

Keywords: Sport, Novelty, Interaction, Football, Men’s World Cup

THE MATRICES

“Well, obviously, we here at GoobNet totally know the answer to that.” Experience immense regret at not having taken the blue pill in The Matrices.

Keywords: Knowledge, Sport, Football, Men’s World Cup

THE GOOBNET MEN’S WORLD CUP CHANGE KIT CHALLENGE

“At the Men’s World Cup, each team has two kits.” Take the GoobNet Men’s World Cup Change Kit Challenge in The GoobNet Men’s World Cup Change Kit Challenge.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Football, Men’s World Cup, Sport uniforms, Interactive

RESULTS OF THE BENDER B RODRIGUEZ BLACKJACK AND HOOKERS CUP

“Some of the other unforgettable moments include Ethan Horvath’s acrobatic save of a Justin Kluivert header in the United States’ wild 5-4 loss to the Netherlands, the semifinal goal by Italy’s Jorginho that was disallowed after a tense fifty two minute video review, and the infamous press conference in which Robert Mancini denounced the corruption of the organisers of the Bender B Rodriguez Blackjack and Hookers Cup and announced that Italy were going to stage their own tournament, only to later conclude that both the tournament and the blackjack were to be discontinued, and, upon further reflection, so was the entire thing.” Realise that nothing is a complete load, not if you can imagine the Results of the Bender B Rodriguez Blackjack and Hookers Cup.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Football

MEN’S WORLD CUP: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO...

“Employees watching the matches instead of getting shit done cause billions of dollars in lost productivity, but FIFA takes in billions of dollars on television rights and other merchandising, so it all works out.” Use your television to view satellite programming live in Men’s World Cup: Whatever Happened To....

Keywords: Sport, Knowledge, Football, Men’s World Cup

FOOTBALL LEAGUE: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO...

“They have never been top flight champions.” Avoid yoyoing in Football League: Whatever Happened To....

Keywords: Sport, Knowledge, Football, England

RUSH TO KEEP TRYING

“Luckily, we here at GoobNet do not limit ourselves to reality.” Reject our reality and substitute your own in Rush to Keep Trying.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, American football, NFL, Sport uniforms, Interactive

TOP LINES THAT ARE 999,999 IN A MILLION

“Wisconsin won the Rose Bowl 17-9!” Save the good algebra for the final minutes of the Top Lines That Are 999,999 in a Million.

Keywords: Variety, Futurama

JASMINE’S THE PRICE IS RIGHT STRATEGY GUIDE: IF YOU’RE NOT SURE...

“If you’re not sure, avoid putting the least expensive item at the bottom.” Keep the soup out of the mailbox in Jasmine’s The Price Is Right Strategy Guide: If You’re Not Sure....

Keywords: Support, SPEED, Game shows, Strategy

MLS KITS EXIST

“Once you have all twelve correct, you will advance to our exciting new bonus round, Beat Don Garber.” Determine whether that totally was or totally was not endangering the safety of the opponent in MLS Kits Exist.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Football, MLS, Interactive

OCEANS THAT MAKE A DIFFERENCE

“All known lifeforms require a nonzero amount of water, and the vast majority of Earth’s biodiversity is aquatic.” Live in hydrodynamic equilibrium with our planet in Oceans That Make a Difference.

Keywords: Variety, Oceanography

JASMINE’S THE PRICE IS RIGHT STRATEGY GUIDE: UNWRITTEN RULES

“If you’re not sure, just guess US$3,000.” Say the secret word, which is totally not banana, in Jasmine’s The Price Is Right Strategy Guide: Unwritten Rules.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, Game shows, Strategy

STUMP EDVARD AND WIN A TRIP TO MARS

“And it will all happen once I obtain sufficient funding to turn my Winnebago into a spaceship in accordance with the instructions I received in a dream!” Listen to the latest herenow noizebop from Razor and the Scummettes in Stump Edvard and Win a Trip to Mars.

Keywords: Space, Community, Edvard, Stump Edvard, Solar system, Mars

ON THE ORIGIN OF BRACKETS

“Oh, those sirens. Merely a precaution.” Pay no attention to those conspiracy hypotheses on Reddit in On the Origin of Brackets.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Mailbox, Basketball

2018 GOOBNET WOMEN’S WINTER PARALYMPIC CHAMPIONSHIP: RESULTS

“The tournament, as with the Paralympic Games themselves, was full of surprises.” Realise that your attention has not been directed to the right place, and overcompensate for this by directing your attention to the 2018 GoobNet Women’s Winter Paralympic Championship: Results.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Tournament, Winter Paralympics

2018 GOOBNET WOMEN’S WINTER PARALYMPIC CHAMPIONSHIP: BRACKETS

“Fill in your bracket by clicking your preferred Paralympian in each pair.” Fill in your bracket by clicking your preferred Paralympian in each pair whilst avoiding the Whammy in 2018 GoobNet Women’s Winter Paralympic Championship: Brackets.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Tournament, Interactive, Winter Paralympics

2018 GOOBNET WOMEN’S WINTER PARALYMPIC CHAMPIONSHIP: SEEDINGS

“We are pleased to announce the seeds for the first GoobNet Women’s Winter Paralympic Championship, determining the best female Paralympian of all time.” View the seeds for the first GoobNet Women’s Winter Paralympic Championship in 2018 GoobNet Women’s Winter Paralympic Championship: Seedings.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Tournament, Winter Paralympics

JASMINE’S THE PRICE IS RIGHT STRATEGY GUIDE: TEN CHANCES

“So let’s prepare ourselves for it.” Wisely sidestep all numerical challenges in Jasmine’s The Price Is Right Strategy Guide: Ten Chances.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, Game shows, Strategy

DISTRACTION

“We hope these will help you through the next 3.96 years of being forgotten about again.” Do your best to retain the knowledge that curling is in fact a sport that exists, even in the face of constant Distraction.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Winter Olympics, Review committee

SCHMILBLICK PATROL: ESTER LEDECKÁ

“I do not think you are making the most advantageous use of the limited number of queries that we have.” Maximise enjoyment and efficiency as you standardise your consumption of Schmilblick Patrol: Ester Ledecká.

Keywords: Sport, Novelty, Schmilblick Patrol, Winter Olympics

THE EXISTENCE OF THE WINTER OLYMPICS

“Why do snowboards exist?” Realise that the answer is “because humans make them” in The Existence of the Winter Olympics.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Mailbox, Ontology, Winter Olympics

THE SUPER BOWL SWINGOMETER

“Well, that was an interesting Super Bowl.” Discover that we really do write these things months in advance and have no idea what actually happened yesterday in The Super Bowl Swingometer.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, American football, NFL

JASMINE’S THE PRICE IS RIGHT STRATEGY GUIDE: COVER UP

“How, then, do you maximise the number of guesses?” Just keep saying numbers in Jasmine’s The Price Is Right Strategy Guide: Cover Up.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, Game shows, Strategy

THE FUTURE, AND WHY YOU SHOULD FEAR IT

“You can hide in your fear bunker and only read news that coincides with your preprogrammed worldview, but that has repeatedly been proven to make the future arrive suddenly without notice when you least expect it.” Watch the fakest fake news that ever faked the news in The Future, and Why You Should Fear It.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT

ICE AND FIRE, BUT NO SINGING

“There was no official logo, but there was a poster depicting a giant eagle attacking some bobsledders, or something.” Watch out for snakes in Ice and Fire, but No Singing.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Winter Olympics

FASTEST FINGER FEST: WINTER OLYMPIC EDITION

“From snowboarding to sliding, from curling to hockey, from alpine skiing to ski jumping to freestyle skiing to cross country skiing, this will be the world’s largest winter party.” Find out whether Olaf is invited to the Fastest Finger Fest: Winter Olympic Edition.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Interactive, Game shows, Fastest Finger Fest, Winter Olympics

SILENCE BROKEN

“We would say that Earth is saying that enough is enough, but really, this is a case of Earth saying that way, way, way too much is enough.” Put your foot down in Silence Broken.

Keywords: Variety, Review committee

... 2014 | 2015 | 2016 | 2017 | 2018

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