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NOT PROVEN TO INCREASE INTELLIGENCE IN PARIS HILTON... BUT LET’S HOPE SO

WEEKLY WHINE >> 2012

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KITCHEN PROGNOSTICATIONAL

“We here at GoobNet are still hard at work on our machine that makes things stop happening, but with little to no success so far.” Experience our regret at our inability to make One Direction stop happening in Kitchen Prognosticational.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT

THE GOOBNET GLOBAL FOOTBALL DERBY QUIZ

“There are many cities around the world that have more than one football club.” Determine whether La U would totally kick Alianza’s ass in The GoobNet Global Football Derby Quiz.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Football, Interactive

WHOLLY OBJECTIVE INDEXING OF STATES

“The land that gave America its own oven.” Find out the location of America’s Panini Press in Wholly Objective Indexing of States.

Keywords: Variety, United States

SCHMILBLICK PATROL: MICHEL PLATINI

“You thought the stop sign guy was a gorilla?” Discover whether the Ampelmännchen was actually three roosters and a vole in Schmilblick Patrol: Michel Platini.

Keywords: Novelty, Schmilblick Patrol, Sport, Football

ASSESSMENT OF MAJOR TERMINALS

“Criteria include layout and ease of navigation, design, quality, services, and airlines serviced.” Find out why we need so many Wolfgang Puck Expresses in Assessment of Major Terminals.

Keywords: Variety, Aviation

WHEREIN THE GOOBNET SPEED CONSIDERS THE FUTURE OF DAVE BECKHAM

“I’m sure they have people for that.” Receive an offer to which you can’t say BeckhaMaybe in Wherein the GoobNet SPEED Considers the Future of Dave Beckham.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, Sport, Football

YET ANOTHER REASON TO WEAR LONG SLEEVES

“Presumably that is due to the city’s desire to stay classy.” Determine what we’re yelling about in Yet Another Reason to Wear Long Sleeves.

Keywords: Variety, Sport

METICULOUS MATHEMATICAL ANALYSIS OF THIS WEEK’S RESULTS

“Other than ‘everyone should vote’, ‘everyone and their mother should vote’, and ‘seriously, get your sorry ass out there and vote’, there are not many lessons.” See whose mothers’ sorry asses failed to vote in Meticulous Mathematical Analysis of This Week’s Results.

Keywords: Politics, Support, SPLUT

UPDATES REGARDING GOOBNET HALLOWEEN EVENTS

“The funds raised will be exchanged for United States dollars, which are only slightly less silly than GoobNet Silly Bucks.” Discover what human beings are good at as we bring you Updates Regarding GoobNet Halloween Events.

Keywords: Variety, Halloween, Administrivia

GUIDE TO 2012 US BALLOT MEASURES

“GoobNet recommends a no vote and severely questions that said rights were ever under threat.” See if our constitutional amendment to guarantee the right to cookies will succeed in Guide to 2012 US Ballot Measures.

Keywords: Politics, Propaganda, Support, United States

HERE IS YOUR FIRST SUBJECT

“Everybody gets a car!” See how you can win fabulous GoobNet prizes in Here Is Your First Subject.

Keywords: Variety, Game shows

HOW TO BECOME A DUDE WHO PARTIES ON

“Your life has continually been hampered by people who are not excellent to each other.” Avoid all things bogus in How to Become a Dude Who Parties On.

Keywords: Support, Mixed Up Horoscopes

FORTY THIRD DOWN

“This was actually the subject of some very heated discussions here at GoobNet headquarters.” Discover who totally has an irrational hatred directed at the ineligible man downfield signal in Forty Third Down.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, American football, NFL

SEVENTEENTH DOWN

“The game recap hilariously listed the unsportsmanlike conduct as a 20 yard penalty.” Decide how many yards a thoughtless opining penalty would be in Seventeenth Down.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, American football, NFL

FLAGS THAT WE WILL PICK UP

“We have still been unsuccessful in launching our 24 hour sports news network, for reasons that will forever be a mystery to us.” Determine whether Commissioner Dole is available on such short notice in Flags That We Will Pick Up.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPLUT

THE CHARMS OF SHREVEPORT

“Note that peanuts are taken.” Vote for animal crackers or rice cakes in The Charms of Shreveport.

Keywords: Variety, Misfortune Cookies, High speed rail, HEARTANDSOUL

HEARTANDSOUL PHASE 4 COMPLETE

“And with this affordable alternative to air travel, there’s really no reason not to take advantage of this special opportunity and access any destination in this nation that you’d care to.” Get all your ΔΠΔ brothers and sisters together on the Spring Break Express to HEARTANDSOUL Phase 4 Complete.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, High speed rail, HEARTANDSOUL

AN EAGERLY ANTICIPATED ARRIVAL

“The Parking Point Designator or PPD angle, which the PM pilot gives her from the PGNS, tells her where to look along the horizontal scale to find the place where the computer thinks they are going to park.” Indicate to the computer that there’s no way you are going to fit between those two SUVs as you make An Eagerly Anticipated Arrival.

Keywords: Variety, Space, Obituary

HEARTANDSOUL PHASE 3 COMPLETE

“Many of you are here today.” Make sure that everyone woke up in time to get off at Tucson in HEARTANDSOUL Phase 3 Complete.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, High speed rail, HEARTANDSOUL

GOSH, THAT WANG IS XL

“So I guess you could call this a catastro-Feck-up.” Come to the conclusion that we are making no Fecking sense as you discover that Gosh, That Wang is XL.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Summer Olympics, Review committee

COPPER AND MARSHMALLOWS

“It has been far too long.” Know how long is long enough in Copper and Marshmallows.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Summer Olympics

STUMP EDVARD AND WIN A GOLD MEDAL

“What kinds of things are not acceptable to tweet?” Determine whether you should keep your thoughts about the number of Africans in Greece to yourself [hint: ναι] in Stump Edvard and Win a Gold Medal.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Edvard, Stump Edvard, Summer Olympics

PLEASE PROCEED DIRECTLY TO SOME OTHER LANE

“Information below is accurate, if at all, as of SUN 29 JUL 2012.” Come face to face with another opportunity to locate the GoobNet Super Factual Error in Please Proceed Directly to Some Other Lane.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Summer Olympics

HEARTANDSOUL PHASE 2 COMPLETE

“You can now access the home cities of seventeen of the nineteen Major League Soccer clubs.” Be impatient for the addition of the Rocky Mountain Cup in HEARTANDSOUL Phase 2 Complete.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, High speed rail, HEARTANDSOUL

CONNECTIONS AVAILABLE DURING PHASE 1

“Dude, seriously, that LA to Vegas line cannot open soon enough.” Dude, you should totally talk to that hot chick in the next car on Connections Available During Phase 1.

Keywords: Community, Mailbox, High speed rail, HEARTANDSOUL

HEARTANDSOUL PHASE 1 COMPLETE

“You will see that we have plenty of system maps and timetables available.” Realise that there is no need to wait for HEARTANDSOUL Phase 1 Complete.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, High speed rail, HEARTANDSOUL

SEE THE USA FROM YOUR SLEEPING BAY

“We hope we can count on your support in getting this proposal off the ground.” Determine whether Fargo, ND gets its due in See the USA From Your Sleeping Bay.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, High speed rail, HEARTANDSOUL

FEEL THE NEED FOR LAZINESS

“In all, these branches would add more than 1,000 km to the total track distance.” See how it all happened on the 07:38 EDT from Boston in Feel the Need for Laziness.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, High speed rail, HEARTANDSOUL

FASTEST FINGER FEST: UEFA EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP EDITION

“But how much do you know about this European Championship, and the thirteen that have been played previously?” Expect the inevitable question about Lev Yashin in Fastest Finger Fest: UEFA European Championship Edition.

Keywords: Community, Sport, Interactive, Game shows, Fastest Finger Fest, Football, UEFA

THE EARTHICAN CHRONICLES

“Wait a minute, GoobNet. I never said that.” Determine your top backpedalling speed in The Earthican Chronicles.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT

ICE HOCKEY’S DAY IN THE SUN

“Who wants to go all the way over there for an ice hockey match? Or for anything, really?” Understand the allure of the Platinum Triangle in Ice Hockey’s Day in the Sun.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Mailbox, Ice hockey

THE GOOBNET SPEED GOES TO OVERTIME

“Yeah, why’s that weird? That’s normal toilet behaviour.” Discover whether Rosalind Franklin Dubois is in tune with your plumbing in The GoobNet SPEED Goes to Overtime.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Football

LET’S SOLVE YOUR CUBE LIKE A HUMAN

“But sometimes, if you have three or six incorrect corners, you may not be able to get two of them into the right position.” See if your parking situation is as dire as others seem to think in Let’s Solve Your Cube Like a Human.

Keywords: Knowledge, Cubing

41 TO WATCH

“If we need to explain to you why the Men’s World Cup is the greatest football tournament there is, this is probably not the website for you.” See what Jim Rome is burning about today in 41 to Watch.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Football

DO NOT PUT IT IN A FOUR OUNCE BOTTLE

“The ____ team has participated in every Rugby World Cup.” See if you should face your opponents as they do the ____ in Do Not Put It in a Four Ounce Bottle.

Keywords: Community, SHAGADELIC

EURO 2012: SENSIBLE AND SILLY

“However, this is too many logos for our taste; only the coat of arms should be used.” See why GoobNet is not presented by anybody in Euro 2012: Sensible and Silly.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Football, Sport uniforms

LET’S SOLVE YOUR CUBE

“If it’s in the wrong place, who cares?” Keep an eye on the street signs in Let’s Solve Your Cube.

Keywords: Knowledge, Cubing

STUMP EDVARD WITH YOUR HEART

“There may be room for improvement – but do we know what exactly needs to be improved?” Keep the number 25 in mind in Stump Edvard with Your Heart.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Edvard, Football, Cardiology, Stump Edvard

SUMMARY OF NOW

“Have your crazy upstairs neighbours turn off their secret dream transmission device, or at least ask them to change it to something besides the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network.” Explain why you had that one crazy dream about Reg, Amber Lynn, and a bottle of windshield wiper fluid in Summary of Now.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT

DISCUSSION ON THE MLS HISTORICAL CUP

“A robust discussion soon began on our many GoobNet media platforms.” Discover whether more hits were received on FaceGoobNet or GooglebNet Plus in Discussion on the MLS Historical Cup.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Mailbox, Football, MLS

2012 GOOBNET MLS HISTORICAL CUP

“Teams were seeded based upon their accomplishments during that season, with the Supporters Shield and MLS Cup counting the most.” Try to avoid overlooking the 1999 MetroStars in 2012 GoobNet MLS Historical Cup.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Tournament, Football, MLS

PLEASE DEPOSIT SOLUTIONS FOR EVERYTHING HERE

“So apparently it takes a specific type of mind to join the SPEED.” Determine whether your synapses meet our lofty standards in Please Deposit Solutions for Everything Here.

Keywords: Variety

ELECTING THE TOP ELECTIONS

“Greece’s economic crisis is far and away the largest issue here.” Decide whether another GoobNet rescue package is sorely needed in Electing the Top Elections.

Keywords: Politics, Variety

COUNTING DOWN TO THE RHINOS

“Every match has a story, not just the ones with giant green tifos behind the goals.” See why you should leave your chainsaw at home in Counting Down to the Rhinos.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Football, MLS

FASTEST FINGER FEST: MLS EDITION

“If you are a fan of New England or Toronto, your excitement may vary.” Try not to get overly thrilled at Miguel Aceval in Fastest Finger Fest: MLS Edition.

Keywords: Community, Sport, Interactive, Fastest Finger Fest, Football, MLS

ONLY THREE VOTES FOR KRYPTON

“And by the way, all you suckers who are wearing tin foil hats, those things totally don’t work.” Realise that we totally knew that you were thinking of the star, plus sign, and circle in Only Three Votes for Krypton.

Keywords: Community, Mailbox, Science fiction

WORLD CURLING TOUR: ARRRGH!

“However, teams are not arranged into divisions; the competition is basically a free for all.” See why we have never before made use of the Curling keyword in World Curling Tour: ARRRGH!.

Keywords: Sport, Propaganda, Support, ARRRGH, Curling

THROW YOUR HEAD INTO THE RING

“Ironically, we can’t get the votes for it in the House.” See if the White House is willing to prepare a bedroom for us in Throw Your Head Into the Ring.

Keywords: Politics, Support, SPLUT

HYPERSPEED DATING: BENJAMIN, FRANKLIN, AND A THIRD?

“But that was wrong.” See if we are capable of expressing remorse in Hyperspeed Dating: Benjamin, Franklin, and a Third?.

Keywords: Variety, Hyperspeed Dating

THE GOOBNET PERIODIC TABLE CHALLENGE

“How close can you come to a perfect score of 104?” See what is so special about rutherfordium in The GoobNet Periodic Table Challenge.

Keywords: Community, Interactive, Chemistry

INTERACTION: THE FUTURE OF SPACE

“But I will agree that few other news presenters could successfully carry off cheetah print pants. With the possible exception of Al Roker, of course.” See how the discussion could possibly get any more exciting in Interaction: The Future of Space.

Keywords: Novelty, Space, Interaction

LET’S TALK ABOUT CUBES

“To move them around, we just turn each face ninety degrees at a time. It’s that easy.” See if our approach is any different than putting the ball into the net in Let’s Talk About Cubes.

Keywords: Knowledge, Cubing

ARRRGH!ING WITH THE NBA

“But wait! There is some concern out there.” See why you should be freaking out about the Miami Heat in ARRRGH!ing with the NBA.

Keywords: Sport, Propaganda, Support, ARRRGH, Basketball, NBA

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