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FILLING YOUR NON-SEQUITUR NEEDS SINCE 1997

WEEKLY WHINE >> 2010

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ACE LOGJAM RESOURCE

“Snacking Tips: A Story.” See why we didn’t select “Partying, So Can’t Kiss” in Ace Logjam Resource.

Keywords: Variety, Sport, Football, MLS

FASTEST FINGER FEST: MONTY PYTHON EDITION

“Now it’s time to see if your brain hurts or if you always look on the bright side of life.” Don’t try to use a try-finally clause in Fastest Finger Fest: Monty Python Edition.

Keywords: Community, Interactive, Game shows, Fastest Finger Fest

MINIMUM DISRUPTION, MAXIMUM EXCITEMENT

“As we told them in last week’s board meeting, they’ll have plenty of room if they just tear down that huge eyesore that is the Coastal Towers.” Enjoy the postgame spread at the Tony Roma’s on Collins Av in Minimum Disruption, Maximum Excitement.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, American football

MEN’S WORLD CUP HOSTS STUMP EDVARD

“The Dutch/​Belgian bid, obviously.” Make your total objectivity and lack of bias plain in Men’s World Cup Hosts Stump Edvard.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Edvard, Stump Edvard, Football, Men’s World Cup, Russia, Qatar

GOOD TRY, QATAR

“Although Warner suffers from a well known case of nepotism, it will not affect his vote here.” Obtain a prescription for Nepotaid in Good Try, Qatar.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Prediction, Football, Men’s World Cup, Australia, England, Japan, Korea Rep, Netherlands, Belgium, Qatar, Russia, Spain, Portugal, United States

64 BETTER NAMES

“In a marathon session that ran almost fifteen minutes, of which six were wasted because participants were suggesting names faster than Gaby could type them, the GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED] has identified 64 potential names for your football club.” See if Stenography Kansas City appears in 64 Better Names.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Football, MLS

DEMOCRACY: 50,000,000 OTHERS LIKE THIS

“Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there was a television network that carried thoughtful, in depth examinations of the upcoming events and trends that are most likely to affect you and the world around you?” Keep dreaming in Democracy: 50,000,000 Others Like This.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT

THIS MESSAGE WILL MAKE YOUR EYES SELF DESTRUCT

“I’m not a witch – I’m you. And we’re both unqualified for the Senate.” See what the sane and/or scary thing to do is in This Message Will Make Your Eyes Self Destruct.

Keywords: Variety, Halloween

THE SANEST AND/OR SCARIEST SIGNS

“Many, many people attended the rally on the National Mall in Washington, DC, USA and had a very, very fun time.” See how large of an earthquake 150,000 simultaneous jumps create in The Sanest and/or Scariest Signs.

Keywords: Variety

BUT WHO’S MULTIPLYING: HOW ARE YOU MULTIPLYING?

“If you figure out how to survive the integer boarding, we will ship you off to the Island of Dr Brain.” Make sure your Hint Watch is fully charged in But Who’s Multiplying: How Are You Multiplying?.

Keywords: Mathematics, Community, Mailbox, But Who’s Multiplying

INTERACTION: BUT WHO’S MULTIPLYING

“We may never know how important it is to have a news media that understands mathematics.” See why a 1:1,000,000 probability is not all that impressive in Interaction: But Who’s Multiplying.

Keywords: Mathematics, Novelty, Interaction, But Who’s Multiplying

BUT WHO’S MULTIPLYING: ROD CALCULUS

“Have you not built your abacus yet?” Disregard modernity in But Who’s Multiplying: Rod Calculus.

Keywords: Knowledge, Mathematics, But Who’s Multiplying

BUT WHO’S MULTIPLYING: PEASANT MULTIPLICATION

“The ancient Egyptians, much like GoobNet, were fans of powers of two, and so they developed a multiplication method so based.” Witness insane theories score another point in But Who’s Multiplying: Peasant Multiplication.

Keywords: Knowledge, Mathematics, But Who’s Multiplying

BUT WHO’S MULTIPLYING: LATTICE MULTIPLICATION

“So why would anyone continue to teach long multiplication, particularly when lattice multiplication has been available for such a long time?” Refuse to lose the digit carried over from the hundreds diagonal in But Who’s Multiplying: Lattice Multiplication.

Keywords: Mathematics, Knowledge, But Who’s Multiplying

BUT WHO’S MULTIPLYING: LONG MULTIPLICATION

“In this way, any pair of numbers can be multiplied in a wholly inefficient manner.” Make sure your pencils are sharpened in But Who’s Multiplying: Long Multiplication.

Keywords: Mathematics, Knowledge, But Who’s Multiplying

BUT WHO’S MULTIPLYING

“So if you don’t feel that your multiplicative skills are up to scratch, a good estimate will still earn you something.” Find out what Larry Cedar has been up to in But Who’s Multiplying.

Keywords: Mathematics, Community, Interactive, But Who’s Multiplying

NOW BOARDING FOR THE CYAN LINE

“The need for this line is obvious.” Complain about how hard it is to get from the South Street Seaport to Bryant Park in Now Boarding for the Cyan Line.

Keywords: Variety

DON’T PUT MONTERREY FIRST

“We have a variety of questions in a variety of subjects, so play along and see how you do in our latest Fastest Finger Fest.” See how your thumbs score in Don’t Put Monterrey First.

Keywords: Community, Interactive, Game shows, Fastest Finger Fest

LET’S REALIGN

“Arkansas State moves from the Sun Belt to the South Central Conference [formerly the SEC West Division].” See why the Red Wolves will be pleased to be part of South Central in Let’s Realign.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, American football

STUMP EDVARD WITH THE POWER OF WORDS

“But some people refuse to use certain words at all. Why is that?” Control your use of specific phrasing as you try to Stump Edvard with the Power of Words.

Keywords: Community, Edvard, Stump Edvard

COLLEGIATE AMERICAN FOOTBALL: ARRRGH!

“Sorry, University of Notre Dame.” Prepare for the possibility that the Irish will fight back in Collegiate American Football: ARRRGH!.

Keywords: Sport, Propaganda, Support, ARRRGH, American football

THE GOOBNET NEWS QUIZ

“Were you alive this past week?” Refuse to divulge certain information that may compromise your agents in the field in The GoobNet News Quiz.

Keywords: Community, Interactive, News, News quiz

AUDIO FORTUNE COOKIES HAVE BEEN CANCELLED

“Also, we missed that show.” Ask why we were watching Real Housewives of GoobNet Centre in Audio Fortune Cookies Have Been Cancelled.

Keywords: Variety, Game shows

SO THAT’S WHY MY MARGARITA IS SO CONFUSING

“Looks like the power is still on in this building. And talking of power, let’s see who our Powerade Chosen Ones for today are.” See who has the highest Castrol Index in So That’s Why My Margarita Is So Confusing.

Keywords: Variety, Sport, Misfortune Cookies, Football, Men’s World Cup

BLUES, ZINGS, AND OCTOPUSES

“You mean, we should have been looking away from it.” See what deserves your full and undivided lack of attention in Blues, Zings, and Octopuses.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Football, Men’s World Cup, Review committee

WHERE TIME HAS NO PLACE

“Your team was something of a letdown by comparison.” Tell everyone’s teams what they might not want to hear in Where Time Has No Place.

Keywords: Variety, Sport, Men’s World Cup

ABUNDANTLY TRUE

“As further punishment, we will then deploy the Prawn Sandwich Brigade to Afghanistan.” See the world’s most élite fighting unit by looking somewhere other than Abundantly True.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Football, Men’s World Cup, Prediction

GETTING THE MOST OUT OF YOUR WORDS

“It is a second tier capability receiving first tier billing.” See what mail merging has to do with Chivas USA in Getting the Most Out of Your Words.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, Computers

BEST KITS EVAR!!!!!!

“This is a good idea, but the home stripe should be red, not least because it will allow supporters to cry, ‘The red stripe is beer! Yay beer!’” See why you should be excited to find coloured graphic elements in Best Kits Evar!!!!!!.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Football, Men’s World Cup, Sport uniforms

FOOTBALL IS COMING HOME AND GOING AWAY

“We are confident that any of these nations would be capable of organising an extremely successful Men’s World Cup.” Evaluate the relative merits of a variety of locations around the world, without taking into account what they will be paying the referees, in Football is Coming Home and Going Away.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Football, Men’s World Cup, Australia, England, Japan, Korea Rep, Netherlands, Belgium, Qatar, Russia, Spain, Portugal, United States

INTERACTION: LETTING PARLIAMENT HANG

“Will the parties prove unable to form a government and send us all back to the polls again? And if that happens, will the rest of the world laugh at us?” See why John Oliver will be unable to stop Jon Stewart in Interaction: Letting Parliament Hang.

Keywords: Politics, Novelty, Interaction, United Kingdom

20,000, MY ASS

“So, if you live in a free nation, don’t forget to thank the longstanding corruption in Brazilian football for its place in keeping the world safe for democracy.” Celebrate Ricardo Teixeira in the same breath as Ronald Reagan and George W Bush in 20,000, My Ass.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Football, Men’s World Cup

PREPARE FOR THE HOLLYHOCK REVOLUTION

“But although we cover a comprehensive range of topics that affect everyone in the world, there are some stories that we regret we cannot give our customary full attention and insightful coverage to.” See why nobody ever asks us to produce their DVD special features in Prepare for the Hollyhock Revolution.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT

LET’S GO INTO SPACE AND STUMP EDVARD

“If you would like a chance to stump Edvard, send all your personally identifying information to that one insane guy who has been at all of the tea party things in the United States.” Be forced into a difficult decision about whether stumping Edvard is really worth it in Let’s Go Into Space and Stump Edvard.

Keywords: Space, Community, Edvard, Stump Edvard

DO NOT TRANSLATE IT INTO URDU

“Rearrange the following letters to form the name of a cosmonaut who flew in space forty nine years ago today.” Find out why the best type of game is the one to which you already know the answer in Do Not Translate It Into Urdu.

Keywords: Community, SHAGADELIC, Yuri’s Night

THE WORLD’S LARGEST UNDO BUTTON

“GoobNet is to revert from sucking to not sucking.” See why you can’t revert to something that didn’t happen in the first place in The World’s Largest Undo Button.

Keywords: Variety

TOOLS PLEASE

“None of this ‘special menus and tabs that are nowhere to be found until you’ve clicked on something’ bullshit.” Determine what you have to do to make our special opinions and remarks appear in Tools Please.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, Computers

SELF LOATHING

“So when you watch the sports programmes on the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network, you will likely be reminded of a crowded sports bar, in which thirty percent of people are watching game A and cheering for one of the teams involved, twenty percent are watching game B and cheering for one of the teams involved, twelve percent are watching game C and cheering for one of the teams involved, thirty one percent are watching any of games D through K and cheering for one of the teams involved, and the remaining seven percent are feigning interest in any of games A through K and pretending to cheer for one of the teams involved in hopes of hooking up with that one really hot fan of one of the teams involved in one of games A through K, the one who has been keeping up a really interesting conversation about breakfast foods and the local establishments that serve the best ones of each type, a conversation that has been interrupted every couple of minutes or faster with either a cheer of excitement or a groan of disappointment, and that member of the remaining seven percent has been nodding in agreement with the conversation, all whilst trying to react to that one of the teams involved in one of games A through K in the correct manner so that the one really hot member of the other ninety three percent won’t notice that anything is amiss and will totally go back to the home of that member of the remaining seven percent after that one of games A through K is over, but not to the home of that one really hot member of the other ninety three percent, because that member of the remaining seven percent is completely sure that the home of that one really hot member of the other ninety three percent is covered with posters and pictures of that team involved in that one of games A through K, and that member of the remaining seven percent is also completely sure that all those distractions are going to be completely irritating and will cause a loss of focus at the critical moment, thereby completely ending that member of the remaining seven percent’s chances with that one really hot member of the other ninety three percent, leaving that member of the remaining seven percent to rue the decision to go to the home of that one really hot member of the other ninety three percent rather than to host that one really hot member of the other ninety three percent and risk being found out as something less than a total freakish committed fan of that team involved in that one of games A through K.” Ask the guy behind the counter to turn on game L in Self Loathing.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT, Sport

THE SECOND BECKONS

“Other than that, though, it is important to understand cause and effect.” Examine a full and complete illustration of the complexities of causal links amongst all major events currently in progress in The Second Beckons.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT

2010 NODAR KUMARITASHVILI MEMORIAL GOOBNET WINTER OLYMPIC EVENT CHAMPIONSHIP

“The tournament was held in honour of Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili.” Make your way to an important tribute in 2010 Nodar Kumaritashvili Memorial GoobNet Winter Olympic Event Championship.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Tournament, Winter Olympics

THE CELEBRITY HALFPIPE INVITATIONAL

“I’ve shown you my Raging Beaver. Now you show me yours.” See what is happening within the Olympic Village in The Celebrity Halfpipe Invitational.

Keywords: Community, Mailbox, Sport, Winter Olympics

OFFICE 2010 WAS MY IDEA

“You might well ask why we would ever want to do something that silly.” Come face to face with the dark side of your desires in Office 2010 Was My Idea.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, Computers

SAFETY IN LETTERS

“Did you know that every skeletoner who has ever crashed did so whilst facing forward and lying on their stomachs?” See why sports and tomatoes should both be made safer in Safety in Letters.

Keywords: Variety, Sport, Winter Olympics

SCHMILBLICK PATROL: ISSA HAYATOU

“The confederation is not responsible for providing security until the team arrives in the city in which its matches are played.” See how culpable parties rationalise their decisions in Schmilblick Patrol: Issa Hayatou.

Keywords: Sport, Novelty, Schmilblick Patrol, Football

SCOTTISH KIT RELIEF

“The away uniform, of course, is a preposterous pink and black adventure that should not be allowed in the presence of children.” Establish the Parents Footballing Council in Scottish Kit Relief.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Football, Scotland, Sport uniforms

INTERACTION: FIXING AMERICAN BANKS

“If you feel that your bank is not acting in your interest, you should certainly withdraw your money from it.” Contribute to the collapse of all that we hold dear to our hearts in Interaction: Fixing American Banks.

Keywords: Novelty, Interaction, Politics, Economics

HOW BIG IS 500?

“But this time, you, our readers, have already played along.” Know what question we’re about to ask in How Big is 500?.

Keywords: Community, Interactive, Game shows, Fastest Finger Fest

CLEAR TO EVERYONE WHO DESERVES A SECOND CHANCE

“And you don’t even want to know what we’re going to do to them if they fuck this one up too.” Cower in fear at the prospect of what actions we might take in Clear to Everyone Who Deserves a Second Chance.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Football, UEFA, Prediction

THAT’S DEPPPREPOSTEROUS

“Sorry, Sex and the City 2.” Encounter one of the greatest mistakes in history in That’s Depppreposterous.

Keywords: Community, Mailbox

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