WEEKLY WHINE >> 2008
MON 29 DEC 2008
“What can we do to encourage the development of domestic shows and movies?” Ensure that every nation’s studios transmit bland garbage in Helping You Understand the United States.
MON 22 DEC 2008
“Just keep going forward for about thirty years.” Come to terms with the fact that everything that should have happened hasn’t happened in Stump Edvard About Automobile Manufacturing.
MON 15 DEC 2008
“In most countries, that’s primarily because the fans boycott, start fights, start riots, or set Vespas on fire if they don’t get their way.” Maintain public order in A Five Point Action Plan.
MON 08 DEC 2008
“In a couple of years, the Bush era will just be a nightmare fading away into our national memory, and it will be safe for Bush to appear on The Daily Show.” See if Jon’s leadoff question will be “Mr President... what the fuck?” in GoobNet Writers’ Rooms.
MON 01 DEC 2008
“Just go off and close your eyes and imagine that you’re in a faraway paradise like Bora Bora.” Enjoy escapism in Do Not Use It as Sunglasses.
MON 24 NOV 2008
“Remember when you could drink water?” Return to a simpler time when people and things could survive in Begin the Vetting Process.
MON 17 NOV 2008
“As an officer with the LAPD, I am pleased with my colleages’ response to the Great California Shakeout.” Gain confidence that Southern California is completely safe from earthquakes in Drop, Cover, Hold On.
MON 10 NOV 2008
“One week after Dress Like a Matrix Character Day, Nellie finally engages Felicia in conversation and asks if Felicia has ever done it.” Get to know the characters who will sing their way into your heart in High School Nausea.
MON 03 NOV 2008
“Well, I’m completely humiliating the Republican Party and making it feel like it’s not worthy of holding either the White House or the Congress. So yes, Sarah Palin would be correct.” Be a part of the world’s most arbitrary round of trick or treating in Win Reg Goober’s Silly Bucks.
MON 27 OCT 2008
“Whose land is it, anyway?” Argue over whether theft is or isn’t property in What’s Your Party?.
MON 20 OCT 2008
“Why don’t you go piss on the third rail?” See the shocking conclusion in Westlake/MacArthur Park.
MON 13 OCT 2008
“Short of demanding that you ask us to accomplish less, we are running out of options.” Buy spiffy stuff in Everything Must Go.
MON 06 OCT 2008
“None of them vomited after the Roulette stopped, so all were eligible to advance.” Avoid those nasty dizzy spells in This Week in Hyperspeed Dating.
MON 29 SEP 2008
“Play along and try to beat the GoobNet players!” Play along and try to beat the GoobNet players in Fastest Finger Fest.
MON 22 SEP 2008
“This was just a thoughtful review of the candidates’ stands on various issues? What a ripoff! I wanted more funny stuff!” Be disappointed at our ethical standards in Examining the Issues.
MON 15 SEP 2008
“If this is TRL, I’m retiring and taking up lawn bowling.” Engage in other, noninteractive sporting events in your community in Interaction: Surge of Storms.
MON 08 SEP 2008
“The benefit of this event is that it would be funny to see a tiny gymnast do a 720 on a skateboard, or to see the world’s top BMX cyclist eliminated from the competition because he overused the inside rein on a 20 metre circle in the dressage.” Consider the implications of broadening competitors’ horizons in Icosipentathlon.
MON 01 SEP 2008
“We here at GoobNet are pleased to present to you this prediction of the teams’ final positions in several major European football leagues.” Enjoy the total accuracy and foreknowledge of the upcoming results of 26 different leagues in Wholly Evident.
MON 25 AUG 2008
“But for those of us whose rights haven’t been violated [yet], these Olympics were lots of fun.” Disregard the secret police who are following you around in No Horses Allowed.
MON 18 AUG 2008
“I wish we could have had 2,000 didgeridoo players in Sydney.” Reconsider things for people to do in Interaction: Is the Olympic Truce Dead?.
MON 11 AUG 2008
“We’re going to do a scene, but everything we say has to be writable, in Chinese, with a certain number of brushstrokes.” See why not everything is on the same side in Whose Opening Ceremony Is It Anyway.
MON 04 AUG 2008
“Let’s have your Fastest Finger question about Internet privacy.” Place your fingers on the buttons and be ready for anything in Remaining Private Stumps Edvard.
MON 28 JUL 2008
“If you deem it progress when a female player dunks, you should also deem it progress when a female player throws a punch at an opponent.” See the social implications of behaviour in women’s sports in Mahorn: The Peacemaker.
MON 21 JUL 2008
“A player who is the best in his league does not permit his team to reach the playoffs as a wild card and then lose in the first round.” See why it’s so easy for us to criticise other people’s decisions in Correcting Your Mistakes.
MON 14 JUL 2008
“We are currently shipping a large batch to Lindsay Lohan.” See how our advice can help all walks of life in The Security of Knowing What Is to Come.
MON 07 JUL 2008
“I didn’t know that you guys have your own Des Moines in Washington.” Experience the peculiarities of the US Pacific Northwest’s geography in Schmilblick Patrol: David Stern.
MON 30 JUN 2008
“Don’t you just love to grow tobacco?” See what will play in Winston-Salem in Ready, Set, Pander.
MON 23 JUN 2008
“Remember when you nearly crashed into that one guy on the freeway, but you swerved away just in time, and then that other guy had to swerve out of your way, and he almost crashed into the rail?” Examine some of your previous experiences in Trying New Things.
MON 16 JUN 2008
“And remember, here at Wedding Dresses by Shinai, we believe that you shouldn’t have to pay an arm and a leg just because you slip your arms between each other’s legs.” Make sure that you’re prepared for the legal status of the best day of your life in The Gay Wedding Planner.
MON 09 JUN 2008
“One vulva says to the other, ‘Wow, that space station toilet is really uncomfortable, isn’t it?’” Take heed of all the New Age advice and listen to what your body is telling you in How Do You Not Go to the Bathroom in Space.
MON 02 JUN 2008
“If that shit happens when people get drunk, then yeah, they should totally ban that shit.” Take up the issue of public order in Don’t Drink from a Tube on the Tube.
MON 26 MAY 2008
“I hope the landing isn’t at the same time South Park is on.” Resolve all relevant conflicts of interest in Interaction: Phoenix Mars Lander.
MON 19 MAY 2008
“If you have not yet heard Mons’s team nickname, afford yourself a giggle, and then contemplate their likely quarterfinal meeting with the Flagfinders.” View more proof that anatomy is always funny in Who Will Take the Flagpole?.
MON 12 MAY 2008
“As you are no doubt well aware, the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network has been a huge success, which is to say, it exists.” Face facts by not facing facts in Octopuses Optional.
MON 05 MAY 2008
“Yes, welcome to the Ctrl-Alt-Delete Age, cubanos.” Find out what you need to know about your Cuban computer in Cómo Usuar Su Computadora Nueva.
MON 28 APR 2008
“Is it true that you never forget your first time?” Try to find some way to put the past behind you in Sex Education Doesn’t Stump Edvard.
MON 21 APR 2008
“This obviously means that fans of all other teams should panic.” See why Shaquille O’Neal’s intellect isn’t the only thing that the NBA should fear in Who Owns Your Team?.
MON 14 APR 2008
“In which year did Yuri Gagarin travel in space?” Become part of a global conspiracy to turn airports into funports in Do Not Put It In Your Shoe.
MON 07 APR 2008
“Your flying car is ready.” Take part in an activity that will revolutionise humanity in Hilary In Particular.
MON 31 MAR 2008
“I would have to say [bleep].” Don’t be afraid to say things they don’t want you to say in Schmilblick Patrol: Tom O’Connor.
MON 24 MAR 2008
“You can thank us for ending America’s addiction to oil, for putting a stop to the violence in Nigeria, for instantaneously making Hugo Chávez irrelevant, and for reversing all of the hard work put in to bring job opportunities to the Iraqi people.” Join us in renovating the world order in Travel by Toilet!.
MON 17 MAR 2008
“From this moment forward, one of the many factual errors here on GoobNet has been designated the Super Factual Error.” Find an outlet for your irritating talents in Administrative Notes.
MON 10 MAR 2008
“Philadelphia would have had reservations about scheduling these matches for the same weekend as the NFL’s conference championships, but luckily for all concerned, the Eagles will take a chance on Michael Vick in 2010 and will end up last in their division.” Enjoy our alternate sporting history in Dubai Remains Mostly Harmless.
MON 03 MAR 2008
“Eventually, generations will grow up who know of these disasters only through grainy, two dimensional footage that isn’t even in high definition.” Look into the future to see the impact of today’s decisions in No Going Forward.
MON 25 FEB 2008
“The announcer says, ‘You could win a million euros today, if you know...’, and then the audience shouts out, ‘Whose Pants Are These’!” Just wait to see who would queue up to be in the audience for Whose Pants Are These, Anyway.
MON 18 FEB 2008
“Your special someone is out there.” Be happy with the unspecified location of compatible personnel in Mmmm, Prognostication.
MON 11 FEB 2008
“Used correctly, advertising on the Internet can help people find other sources for similar products or similar information.” Begin a futile search for GoobNet’s closest approximation in Focal Plane: The Age of Overadvertising.
MON 04 FEB 2008
“Do you want us to start swearing at each other? Because we could totally do that.” Encourage bitchiness in Things That Ain’t Right.
MON 28 JAN 2008
“It’s going to be awkward seeing her in class this week.” Experience the shock of seeing other people after you’ve found out their real opinions in It Wasn’t Me, Officer.
MON 21 JAN 2008
“Anybody who makes jokes about your natural hair should be attacked, even if it was really funny.” Confront those who make use of confrontation in Take Cover.
MON 14 JAN 2008
“Rebecca would like to know what Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are going to do next week now that they have exhausted what she describes as their ‘Help, our writers aren’t here, what are we gonna do’ jokes.” Tune in to the 24 hour Survivor network in Interaction: Golden Globe Award Show.
MON 07 JAN 2008
“By drawing attention to the plight of ordinary consumers, we have shamed the incompetent, yet strangely super-rich executives who make decisions at these large corporations.” Examine fairness and why it doesn’t exist in You’re Welcome.
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