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WEEKLY WHINE >> 2008

... 2004 | 2005 | 2006 | 2007 | 2008 | 2009 | 2010 | 2011 | 2012 ...

HELPING YOU UNDERSTAND THE UNITED STATES

“What can we do to encourage the development of domestic shows and movies?” Ensure that every nation’s studios transmit bland garbage in Helping You Understand the United States.

Keywords: Community, Mailbox

STUMP EDVARD ABOUT AUTOMOBILE MANUFACTURING

“Just keep going forward for about thirty years.” Come to terms with the fact that everything that should have happened hasn’t happened in Stump Edvard About Automobile Manufacturing.

Keywords: Community, Edvard

A FIVE POINT ACTION PLAN

“In most countries, that’s primarily because the fans boycott, start fights, start riots, or set Vespas on fire if they don’t get their way.” Maintain public order in A Five Point Action Plan.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Football

GOOBNET WRITERS’ ROOMS

“In a couple of years, the Bush era will just be a nightmare fading away into our national memory, and it will be safe for Bush to appear on The Daily Show.” See if Jon’s leadoff question will be “Mr President... what the fuck?” in GoobNet Writers’ Rooms.

Keywords: Variety, Administrivia

DO NOT USE IT AS SUNGLASSES

“Just go off and close your eyes and imagine that you’re in a faraway paradise like Bora Bora.” Enjoy escapism in Do Not Use It as Sunglasses.

Keywords: Community, SHAGADELIC

BEGIN THE VETTING PROCESS

“Remember when you could drink water?” Return to a simpler time when people and things could survive in Begin the Vetting Process.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT

DROP, COVER, HOLD ON

“As an officer with the LAPD, I am pleased with my colleages’ response to the Great California Shakeout.” Gain confidence that Southern California is completely safe from earthquakes in Drop, Cover, Hold On.

Keywords: Community, Mailbox

HIGH SCHOOL NAUSEA

“One week after Dress Like a Matrix Character Day, Nellie finally engages Felicia in conversation and asks if Felicia has ever done it.” Get to know the characters who will sing their way into your heart in High School Nausea.

Keywords: Variety, Backlash

WIN REG GOOBER’S SILLY BUCKS

“Well, I’m completely humiliating the Republican Party and making it feel like it’s not worthy of holding either the White House or the Congress. So yes, Sarah Palin would be correct.” Be a part of the world’s most arbitrary round of trick or treating in Win Reg Goober’s Silly Bucks.

Keywords: Variety, Halloween

WHAT’S YOUR PARTY?

“Whose land is it, anyway?” Argue over whether theft is or isn’t property in What’s Your Party?.

Keywords: Politics, Community, Interactive, Cosmo quiz

WESTLAKE/​MACARTHUR PARK

“Why don’t you go piss on the third rail?” See the shocking conclusion in Westlake/​MacArthur Park.

Keywords: Variety, Transit game

EVERYTHING MUST GO

“Short of demanding that you ask us to accomplish less, we are running out of options.” Buy spiffy stuff in Everything Must Go.

Keywords: Variety, Administrivia

THIS WEEK IN HYPERSPEED DATING

“None of them vomited after the Roulette stopped, so all were eligible to advance.” Avoid those nasty dizzy spells in This Week in Hyperspeed Dating.

Keywords: Variety, Hyperspeed Dating

FASTEST FINGER FEST

“Play along and try to beat the GoobNet players!” Play along and try to beat the GoobNet players in Fastest Finger Fest.

Keywords: Community, Mailbox

EXAMINING THE ISSUES

“This was just a thoughtful review of the candidates’ stands on various issues? What a ripoff! I wanted more funny stuff!” Be disappointed at our ethical standards in Examining the Issues.

Keywords: Politics, Community, Mailbox

INTERACTION: SURGE OF STORMS

“If this is TRL, I’m retiring and taking up lawn bowling.” Engage in other, noninteractive sporting events in your community in Interaction: Surge of Storms.

Keywords: Novelty, Interaction

ICOSIPENTATHLON

“The benefit of this event is that it would be funny to see a tiny gymnast do a 720 on a skateboard, or to see the world’s top BMX cyclist eliminated from the competition because he overused the inside rein on a 20 metre circle in the dressage.” Consider the implications of broadening competitors’ horizons in Icosipentathlon.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Summer Olympics

WHOLLY EVIDENT

“We here at GoobNet are pleased to present to you this prediction of the teams’ final positions in several major European football leagues.” Enjoy the total accuracy and foreknowledge of the upcoming results of 26 different leagues in Wholly Evident.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Football, UEFA, Prediction

NO HORSES ALLOWED

“But for those of us whose rights haven’t been violated [yet], these Olympics were lots of fun.” Disregard the secret police who are following you around in No Horses Allowed.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Summer Olympics, Review committee

INTERACTION: IS THE OLYMPIC TRUCE DEAD?

“I wish we could have had 2,000 didgeridoo players in Sydney.” Reconsider things for people to do in Interaction: Is the Olympic Truce Dead?.

Keywords: Sport, Politics, Novelty, Interaction, Summer Olympics

WHOSE OPENING CEREMONY IS IT ANYWAY

“We’re going to do a scene, but everything we say has to be writable, in Chinese, with a certain number of brushstrokes.” See why not everything is on the same side in Whose Opening Ceremony Is It Anyway.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Summer Olympics, Whose Line

REMAINING PRIVATE STUMPS EDVARD

“Let’s have your Fastest Finger question about Internet privacy.” Place your fingers on the buttons and be ready for anything in Remaining Private Stumps Edvard.

Keywords: Computers, Community, Edvard

MAHORN: THE PEACEMAKER

“If you deem it progress when a female player dunks, you should also deem it progress when a female player throws a punch at an opponent.” See the social implications of behaviour in women’s sports in Mahorn: The Peacemaker.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Mailbox, Basketball, WNBA

CORRECTING YOUR MISTAKES

“A player who is the best in his league does not permit his team to reach the playoffs as a wild card and then lose in the first round.” See why it’s so easy for us to criticise other people’s decisions in Correcting Your Mistakes.

Keywords: Sport, Variety

THE SECURITY OF KNOWING WHAT IS TO COME

“We are currently shipping a large batch to Lindsay Lohan.” See how our advice can help all walks of life in The Security of Knowing What Is to Come.

Keywords: Variety, Misfortune Cookies

SCHMILBLICK PATROL: DAVID STERN

“I didn’t know that you guys have your own Des Moines in Washington.” Experience the peculiarities of the US Pacific Northwest’s geography in Schmilblick Patrol: David Stern.

Keywords: Sport, Novelty, Schmilblick Patrol, Basketball, NBA

READY, SET, PANDER

“Don’t you just love to grow tobacco?” See what will play in Winston-Salem in Ready, Set, Pander.

Keywords: Politics, Support, SPEED

TRYING NEW THINGS

“Remember when you nearly crashed into that one guy on the freeway, but you swerved away just in time, and then that other guy had to swerve out of your way, and he almost crashed into the rail?” Examine some of your previous experiences in Trying New Things.

Keywords: Variety, Misfortune Cookies

THE GAY WEDDING PLANNER

“And remember, here at Wedding Dresses by Shinai, we believe that you shouldn’t have to pay an arm and a leg just because you slip your arms between each other’s legs.” Make sure that you’re prepared for the legal status of the best day of your life in The Gay Wedding Planner.

Keywords: Community, Mailbox

HOW DO YOU NOT GO TO THE BATHROOM IN SPACE

“One vulva says to the other, ‘Wow, that space station toilet is really uncomfortable, isn’t it?’” Take heed of all the New Age advice and listen to what your body is telling you in How Do You Not Go to the Bathroom in Space.

Keywords: Space, Community, Mailbox, ISS

DON’T DRINK FROM A TUBE ON THE TUBE

“If that shit happens when people get drunk, then yeah, they should totally ban that shit.” Take up the issue of public order in Don’t Drink from a Tube on the Tube.

Keywords: Variety, Vox pops

INTERACTION: PHOENIX MARS LANDER

“I hope the landing isn’t at the same time South Park is on.” Resolve all relevant conflicts of interest in Interaction: Phoenix Mars Lander.

Keywords: Space, Novelty, Interaction, Solar system

WHO WILL TAKE THE FLAGPOLE?

“If you have not yet heard Mons’s team nickname, afford yourself a giggle, and then contemplate their likely quarterfinal meeting with the Flagfinders.” View more proof that anatomy is always funny in Who Will Take the Flagpole?.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Flag capturing, FCU Champions League, Prediction

OCTOPUSES OPTIONAL

“As you are no doubt well aware, the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network has been a huge success, which is to say, it exists.” Face facts by not facing facts in Octopuses Optional.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPLUT

CÓMO USUAR SU COMPUTADORA NUEVA

“Yes, welcome to the Ctrl-Alt-Delete Age, cubanos.” Find out what you need to know about your Cuban computer in Cómo Usuar Su Computadora Nueva.

Keywords: Computers, Support, Instructional video

SEX EDUCATION DOESN’T STUMP EDVARD

“Is it true that you never forget your first time?” Try to find some way to put the past behind you in Sex Education Doesn’t Stump Edvard.

Keywords: Community, Edvard

WHO OWNS YOUR TEAM?

“This obviously means that fans of all other teams should panic.” See why Shaquille O’Neal’s intellect isn’t the only thing that the NBA should fear in Who Owns Your Team?.

Keywords: Sport, Propaganda, Novelty

DO NOT PUT IT IN YOUR SHOE

“In which year did Yuri Gagarin travel in space?” Become part of a global conspiracy to turn airports into funports in Do Not Put It In Your Shoe.

Keywords: Community, SHAGADELIC, Yuri’s Night

HILARY IN PARTICULAR

“Your flying car is ready.” Take part in an activity that will revolutionise humanity in Hilary In Particular.

Keywords: Variety, Misfortune Cookies

SCHMILBLICK PATROL: TOM O’CONNOR

“I would have to say [bleep].” Don’t be afraid to say things they don’t want you to say in Schmilblick Patrol: Tom O’Connor.

Keywords: Sport, Novelty, Schmilblick Patrol, Basketball

TRAVEL BY TOILET!

“You can thank us for ending America’s addiction to oil, for putting a stop to the violence in Nigeria, for instantaneously making Hugo Chávez irrelevant, and for reversing all of the hard work put in to bring job opportunities to the Iraqi people.” Join us in renovating the world order in Travel by Toilet!.

Keywords: Variety, Obituary

ADMINISTRATIVE NOTES

“From this moment forward, one of the many factual errors here on GoobNet has been designated the Super Factual Error.” Find an outlet for your irritating talents in Administrative Notes.

Keywords: Support, Administrivia

DUBAI REMAINS MOSTLY HARMLESS

“Philadelphia would have had reservations about scheduling these matches for the same weekend as the NFL’s conference championships, but luckily for all concerned, the Eagles will take a chance on Michael Vick in 2010 and will end up last in their division.” Enjoy our alternate sporting history in Dubai Remains Mostly Harmless.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Football, England, Prediction

NO GOING FORWARD

“Eventually, generations will grow up who know of these disasters only through grainy, two dimensional footage that isn’t even in high definition.” Look into the future to see the impact of today’s decisions in No Going Forward.

Keywords: Support, Deep Whine

WHOSE PANTS ARE THESE, ANYWAY

“The announcer says, ‘You could win a million euros today, if you know...’, and then the audience shouts out, ‘Whose Pants Are These’!” Just wait to see who would queue up to be in the audience for Whose Pants Are These, Anyway.

Keywords: Community, Mailbox

MMMM, PROGNOSTICATION

“Your special someone is out there.” Be happy with the unspecified location of compatible personnel in Mmmm, Prognostication.

Keywords: Variety, Misfortune Cookies

FOCAL PLANE: THE AGE OF OVERADVERTISING

“Used correctly, advertising on the Internet can help people find other sources for similar products or similar information.” Begin a futile search for GoobNet’s closest approximation in Focal Plane: The Age of Overadvertising.

Keywords: Novelty, Focal Plane

THINGS THAT AIN’T RIGHT

“Do you want us to start swearing at each other? Because we could totally do that.” Encourage bitchiness in Things That Ain’t Right.

Keywords: Variety, Administrivia

IT WASN’T ME, OFFICER

“It’s going to be awkward seeing her in class this week.” Experience the shock of seeing other people after you’ve found out their real opinions in It Wasn’t Me, Officer.

Keywords: Community, Mailbox

TAKE COVER

“Anybody who makes jokes about your natural hair should be attacked, even if it was really funny.” Confront those who make use of confrontation in Take Cover.

Keywords: Support, Mixed Up Horoscopes

INTERACTION: GOLDEN GLOBE AWARD SHOW

“Rebecca would like to know what Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are going to do next week now that they have exhausted what she describes as their ‘Help, our writers aren’t here, what are we gonna do’ jokes.” Tune in to the 24 hour Survivor network in Interaction: Golden Globe Award Show.

Keywords: Novelty, Interaction

YOU’RE WELCOME

“By drawing attention to the plight of ordinary consumers, we have shamed the incompetent, yet strangely super-rich executives who make decisions at these large corporations.” Examine fairness and why it doesn’t exist in You’re Welcome.

Keywords: Computers, Propaganda, Novelty, SLAP

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