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WEEKLY WHINE >> 2009

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RAJOURI GARDEN

“No, actually, she wrote The Serious Player’s Guide to Alte Heide. That’s how I got started in transit games.” Begin studying for any future playings of Rajouri Garden.

Keywords: Variety, Transit game

THIS WAY TO THE MAGIC ROUNDABOUT

“Starting next year, we will give out an award known as the Capt Chesley A ‘Sully’ Sullenberger Award for the Most Awesome Achievement.” See why there were no other awesome achievements this year in This Way to the Magic Roundabout.

Keywords: Variety, Review committee

MY DRAW IS BETTER THAN YOUR DRAW

“Well, okay, it isn’t that easy.” Calibrate the difficulty level of your favourite activities in My Draw is Better Than Your Draw.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Football, Men’s World Cup, Interactive

INTERACTION: MEN’S WORLD CUP DRAW

“How should I know? Am I a psychic?” Make complete guesses about the future in Interaction: Men’s World Cup Draw.

Keywords: Sport, Novelty, Interaction, Football, Men’s World Cup

GET SET TO KNOW YOUR WORLD

“Well then, you’re shit out of luck, aren’t you?” See how much luck your shit contains in Get Set to Know Your World.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT

BLINDNESS

“Are you a Swedish football referee?” Don’t admit to your shortcomings in Blindness.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Football, Men’s World Cup, France, Ireland Rep

AMBITIOUS OUTCOME

“Who the hell let the Maldives in?” Activate your protectionism circuit in Ambitious Outcome.

Keywords: Politics, Variety, News, Intercepted document

MOST DYNAMIC DIGIT

“The tenth anniversary celebration of the US version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire was a great success, featuring some Regis guy, embarrassingly stupid celebrities, big winners, a big loser, and a big surprise.” Find out how to push our buttons in Most Dynamic Digit.

Keywords: Community, Interactive, Game shows, Fastest Finger Fest

DUMB RUSH THE RADIO HOST

“So anyway, how are you at walking in a straight line?” Consider using your Simplify or your Trial Run in Dumb Rush the Radio Host.

Keywords: Variety, Halloween

CONTINUING THE COMMITMENT TO SPACE

“NASA should also examine the possibility of turning the ISS over to the private sector rather than deorbiting it.” Keep large objects in orbit as long as possible in Continuing the Commitment to Space.

Keywords: Space, Propaganda, Novelty

CLEANING UP HELMETBALL

“Pink would be a good choice.” See why NFL teams are missundaztood in Cleaning Up Helmetball.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, American football, NFL, Sport uniforms

KICKS FOR CLICKS

“You sound like one of the people who paid only GB£5.” Get out your wallet and watch some Internet in Kicks for Clicks.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Mailbox, Football, Men’s World Cup, England, United States

COMPUTER DESTRUCTION

“Unfortunately, we seem to have lost it.” See how we finally came to the same conclusion that you reached years ago in Computer Destruction.

Keywords: Computers, Support

MLB: ARRRGH!

“The winners of each series play in the seven game Major League Championship Series, with the name ‘World Series’ banned until the MLCS winner plays a team from another continent.” Allow the name normalisation programme to proceed in MLB: ARRRGH!.

Keywords: Sport, Propaganda, Support, ARRRGH, Baseball, MLB

DECREASING MINUS SIZES

“Do you have a need to test the newly installed or replaced sidewalks so that teenagers who are using their mobile telephones, PSPs, and Twitter machines will not trip over any discontinuities?” Find out how the likes of Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell can come to your rescue in Decreasing Minus Sizes.

Keywords: Support, SPEED, Fashion

CLEAR TO EVERYONE

“We here at GoobNet are pleased to present to you this prediction of the group and elimination phases of the 2009-10 UEFA Europa League [formerly the UEFA Cup].” See why Galatasaray are sure to be disappointed in Clear to Everyone.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Football, UEFA, Prediction

ONLY 24 MORE PLACES REMAIN

“This is such a time.” Determine the suchness of this time in Only 24 More Places Remain.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPLUT

LOUDER! LESS SENSICAL!

“No serious discussion until you’ve finished your incoherent screaming.” Discover what it takes to become Fox News’s best friend in Louder! Less Sensical!.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT

WHO WANTS TO HOST THE MEN’S WORLD CUP

“The Football Federation of Australia currently has no information about which venues it intends to propose.” Consider how you are expected to consider something that doesn’t exist in Who Wants to Host the Men’s World Cup.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Football, Men’s World Cup, Australia, England, Indonesia, Japan, Korea Rep, Mexico, Netherlands, Belgium, Qatar, Russia, Spain, Portugal, United States

EDVARD STUMPS HEALTH INSURANCE

“How about ‘soylent manufacturing boards’?” Find nice ways of phrasing not nice things in Edvard Stumps Health Insurance.

Keywords: Politics, Community, Edvard, Stump Edvard, Health

HOW FAST IS YOUR FINGER?

“To play, click on the answers in the order you believe is correct. Click Clear to erase your answers, or Enter to lock them in.” Make an appointment with this week’s game master in How Fast is Your Finger?.

Keywords: Community, Interactive, Game shows, Fastest Finger Fest

ADMINISTRATIVE NOTES

“However, the titular question was left unanswered: Why not Al Franken? Support your answer with a proof.” Come face to face with satire in the true to life story of Administrative Notes.

Keywords: Support, Administrivia

FOCAL PLANE: SPACE INDIFFERENCE

“Holding up her iPod, she continues, ‘Like this would be my Compressed Digital Audio Playback Device, or CDAPD.’” Talk like an astronaut in Focal Plane: Space Indifference.

Keywords: Novelty, Focal Plane, Space

INTERACTION: 40 YEARS FROM THE MOON

“Mike, recommend you switch to VHF. Over.” See if your S band transmissions are being read five by in Interaction: 40 Years From the Moon.

Keywords: Space, Politics, Novelty, Interaction

THE NBA: ARRRGH!

“This is adapted from Bill Simmons’s solution to the NBA’s Tankapalooza crisis of 2007.” See how the NBA can be made non-tanktastic again in The NBA: ARRRGH!.

Keywords: Sport, Propaganda, Support, ARRRGH, Basketball, NBA

EIGHT WHO COULD POTENTIALLY BE MISSED

“As you are well aware, deaths of famous people are never funny.” Pay your last lack of respect to some important people in Eight Who Could Potentially Be Missed.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT, Obituary

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT TODAY?

“That’s really nice that you want to make me an All Star, but I really don’t deserve it. Give it to Han Duan instead.” Witness players being team players [even when the team in question exists only for a few days] in What Do You Want to Talk About Today?.

Keywords: Community, Mailbox, Sport

JOKES WILL NOT BE PROVIDED IN THIS FORMAT

“That’s right, the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network continues to broadcast, regardless of whether anyone is watching it.” Take efficiency measurements that no one can confirm in Jokes Will Not Be Provided in This Format.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT

HOW TO IDENTIFY STREET INSTALLATIONS

“Street installations are designed to last, not to explode.” Find out what sorts of art are designed to do what in How to Identify Street Installations.

Keywords: Support, Instructional video

YOU VERSUS EVERYONE ELSE

“Is there a question about me in there? I was hoping for a question about me.” Abandon hope all ye who enter our offices at 49th and Farnsworth in You Versus Everyone Else.

Keywords: Community, Mailbox

1 VS GOOBNET

“Do you want the Silly Bucks... or do you want GoobNet?” See if you have what it takes to defeat 64 people in our special twelfth anniversary event, 1 vs GoobNet.

Keywords: Community, Interactive, Game shows

THE NHL: ARRRGH!

“The six opponents from the NHL First League are the four teams that finished last in their respective divisions plus two antiwild cards who are seeded first and second.” Find out where the antiwild things are in The NHL: ARRRGH!.

Keywords: Sport, Propaganda, Support, ARRRGH, Ice hockey

61*

“Do you have some kind of problem with Indianapolis?” Don’t let the NCAA insert television timeouts in 61*.

Keywords: Sport, Community, Mailbox, Football, Men’s World Cup, United States

61 FOR 2018 OR 2022

“GoobNet ranks the 61 stadiums that have expressed interest in hosting a potential Men’s World Cup in the US, taking into account both the stadium itself and the capabilities of the surrounding metropolitan market.” GoobNet ranks the 61 stadiums that have expressed interest in hosting a potential Men’s World Cup in the US, taking into account both the stadium itself and the capabilities of the surrounding metropolitan market, in 61 for 2018 or 2022.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, Football, Men’s World Cup, United States

ÉSTEBAN COLBERTO CELEBRATES A ROUGE WITH KATIE PRICE’S BREASTS

“We recognise that many fans planning to attend the 2018 Super Bowl are having difficulty determining how to reach Nissan Stadium via train and are instead considering renting automobiles. We recommend against that and would advise fans staying in downtown Tokyo to either take the Yokohama- or Ōfuna-bound Keihin-Tōhoku Line to Higashi-Kanagawa and then change to the Hachiōji-bound Yokohama Line and get off at Kozukue, or take the Atami-bound Tōkaidō Line [provided it is not a Commuter Rapid service] to Yokohama and then change to the Hachiōji-bound Yokohama Line and get off at Kozukue, or take the Kurihama-bound Yokosuka Line to Yokohama and then change to the Hachiōji-bound Yokohama Line and get off at Kozukue, or take the Takao- or Ōtsuki-bound Chūō Rapid Line to Hachiōji and then change to the Yokohama- or Ōfuna-bound Yokohama Line and get off at Kozukue, or take the Hiroshima-, Hakata-, or Shin-Osaka-bound Tōkaidō Shinkansen and get off at Shin-Yokohama [though note that Japan Rail Passes may not be used on Nozomi trains]. Naturally, these plans should be adjusted somewhat for those who are staying near stations other than Tokyo Station.” Become familiar with intercity rail options in the Greater Tokyo area in Ésteban Colberto Celebrates a Rouge with Katie Price’s Breasts.

Keywords: Sport, Variety, American football, Prediction

GEOGRAPHIC NAMING STUMPS EDVARD

“So what should the New Zealand Geographic Board Ngā Pou Taunaha o Aotearoa do?” Wonder why the New Zealand Geographic Board Ngā Pou Taunaha o Aotearoa should ever consult GoobNet on a geographic naming issue that is completely outside our range of expertise in Geographic Naming Stumps Edvard.

Keywords: Politics, Community, Edvard, Stump Edvard, New Zealand

RETURN TO SENDER

“The environmental impact of physical unwanted mail is clear, but undiscussed. Why?” Take back your physical mailbox [assuming you still have one] in Return to Sender.

Keywords: Propaganda, Novelty, Junk mail

FINDING OUT WHAT THE BLOGGERS KNOW

“This Phoenix flag capturing team should set itself alight in hopes of repeating the feat.” Laugh at an image of a flaming team in Finding Out What the Bloggers Know.

Keywords: Variety, Sport, Flag capturing, ACFL

THE NFL: ARRRGH!

“The Pro Bowl is played the weekend after the Super Bowl in Honolulu, since the league’s experiment with playing it before the Super Bowl will be a failure.” Be assured of how an all-star game will be received in The NFL: ARRRGH!.

Keywords: Sport, Propaganda, Support, ARRRGH, American football

UNEMPLOYED BULLS

“If the economic fuckup has caused you to be unable to afford the electricity or natural gas required to make cookies, simply storm your local bank and demand that they loan you the money required to pay for the electricity or natural gas required to make cookies.” Take matters into your own oven in Unemployed Bulls.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT

HOW TO IMPLEMENT RELEGATION

“MLS has not yet announced its competition plans for the following seasons, which is a horrible mistake, because the GoobNet Relegatory Agency is going to force plans onto it.” Wait for major sport leagues to be caught napping in How to Implement Relegation.

Keywords: Sport, Propaganda, Support, ARRRGH, Football, MLS

CARBON NEUTRALITY TODAY

“I’ll announce just such a plan after screening The Age of Stupid this weekend!” Learn a lesson from Philip J Fry in Carbon Neutrality Today.

Keywords: Politics, Community, Mailbox

2009 GOOBNET EXOPLANET CHAMPIONSHIP

“All the participants should be quite pleased with their performances.” Join the Camelopardalis Crazies and support your favourite extrasolar planet in 2009 GoobNet Exoplanet Championship.

Keywords: Space, Variety, Tournament

PREPARE FOR WHAT IS COMING

“FIRST!” Pwnz0r a n00b in Prepare for What Is Coming.

Keywords: Variety, Misfortune Cookies

CHANGE WE CAN KICK OFF TO

“Reject, and make clear to FIFA that when submitting change proposals to the IFAB, the stated reason must not be a bare assed lie.” Encourage Sepp Blatter to appear on The Moment of Truth in Change We Can Kick Off To.

Keywords: Sport, Support, SPEED, Football, FIFA

25 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT GOOBNET

“12. GoobNet is a proud sponsor of the Flag Capturing Union Champions League, which begins anew in MAY 2009.” Make a list and check it twice in 25 Random Things About GoobNet.

Keywords: Variety

DO NOT LIQUEFY IT

“Actually, it isn’t really necessary. It’s just evil.” Discover what Dave Foley is up to these days in Do Not Liquefy It.

Keywords: Community, SHAGADELIC

THE CASSAVA SHIPPING CRISIS

“That would be autocracy.” Just answer the question in The Cassava Shipping Crisis.

Keywords: Politics, Community, Mailbox

INTERACTION: THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION

“I – your name and location here – do swear (or affirm) that I will be faithful and bear interesting questions to Interaction and its hosts and panellists, according to my locality’s television schedule, so help me remote control.” Pledge your allegiance to your favourite interaction programme in Interaction: The Obama Administration.

Keywords: Politics, Novelty, Interaction

PRIVILEGED EXECUTIVES

“There is much going on in the world. That means that you should make plans to be elsewhere.“ Make plans to find alternative accommodations in Privileged Executives.

Keywords: Support, SPLUT

OF HOMOMATRIMOPHOBIA AND HICKEYS

“Sorry, Betty, but it’s true. There was a time when you would have gotten hickey right away.” Be honest about Betty White’s Password abilities in Of Homomatrimophobia and Hickeys.

Keywords: Variety, Review committee

97% EFFECTIVE AND 100% FUN

“The three of you are trying to escape from a postapocalyptic Los Angeles.” Find out the good part of the end of the world in 97% Effective and 100% Fun.

Keywords: Variety, Whose Line

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